To be honest, I haven't written lately because I think I'm happy. Usually I use this blog as a "cry for help/notice me" kind of thing. However, lately I've been pretty content with my life. I mean sure, my favorite lol team is falling apart, same with my NFL team, our college ultimate team is nowhere near as good as last year, and our bscs team lost in playoffs already, but I'm pretty satisfied. Maybe it's because I'm so busy. Maybe it's because I kinda sorta have a girlfriend-ish. Maybe it's because I'm pretty over Alecia.
Today I opened up a message from Alecia by accident. It was a little bit after we broke up and got back together. And it didn't make me sad. It made me feel happy. Happy that I was loved so unconditionally. Even though we had broken up she still truly loved me. It made me feel safe. Like, I did it once. I can do it again.
Anyways, this made me think of this post from a long time ago. I originally posted this around the summer of 2012. After me and Alecia broke up and after me and Lindsay broke up. This was around my lowest low following those breakups, kind of like how my post "This House" was my lowest low after my second break up with Alecia. I really liked this post but after me and Alecia got back together, she said this really hurt her because I said some mean things about her in this and she asked me to delete it. Well I could never bring myself to truly delete this so I just made it private so no one could read it except me. Well it feels like it's time to post this again. Here's my story: The Most Honest Thing I've Ever Written
It's amazing how much things can change over the shortest course of time. It's amazing where I was a year ago, when I last posted on here. It's amazing where I was 3 weeks ago, where I was a day ago, and where I am now. And here I am, really alone. The most alone I've been in a long time really. So I guess it's time for me to be really truly honest about myself. This is going to offend some people to talk about but I need to say it aloud for some odd reason.
It started on May 4th. I went to donate plasma like I have been doing for the past year or so. And I saw this girl. A girl wearing a cute blue dress and reading catch 22, a book I tried to read in high school but lost interest. And I normally have these weird little daydreams where this girl and I start up a conversation and suddenly realize how perfect we are for each and... I don't know. It's happens every now and then. It happened since I was in 7th grade with Cecilia Soto. Odds are she doesn't even remember who I am. We only talked a few times, but I developed this little daydream about her. Normally that's right where it ends, because the girl isn't interested in me or she has BF or something. Anyways, I move onto the next girl and life goes on. The first time this really changed was my freshman year of college. When I met a girl named Alecia. She was another little crush and she had a boyfriend. So normally that's right where it ends. But it didn't. I got her to break up with the BF for me. In fact, we kissed before they broke up. We were kissing for about a week before they broke up. I got her to fall for me over the boy that she had been with for almost a year. (This story is going to sound real familiar real soon.)
Anyways, the daydream normally ends when I go home and onto my life. But it didn't. 2 days later I started working at Convergys, the worst place in the world. And she was there. The girl from the plasma center. The girl I had the daydream about. Normally this isn't too weird. I have these sorts of daydreams with girls I have classes with. Like this girl Kelsey I had a couple classes with last semester. The daydream gets more detailed as we slowly get to know each other more. But normally i get by because the girl has no interest in me or has a boyfriend. This time was different. She remembered me from the plasma center. She said I looked like this guy from her favorite band, Bright Eyes. I soon found out she didn't have a boyfriend. And she was falling for me. Which was bad. Cause I was falling for her too. By the next weekend, May 11th, I was already falling out of love with Alecia, and falling for this new girl, Lindsay. So I tried to break up with Alecia. But we didn't. She insisted I was panicing because we had just moved into together and we were entering a whole new level of commitment. And I was afraid she might be right, so I stayed with her. But I didn't feel that way. I really felt so much less for Alecia and so much more for Lindsay. Over the next few weeks that became more and more true. I started looking forward to work. Work at this god awful job for the brief moments where we had break and I could hang out with Lindsay. Yet I was still with Alecia. Because I was trying to remember how I felt about Alecia when we first met. How lovestruck I was. And I was trying to compare that to this. But i couldn't do it. All I could do is compare Alecia, after a year and a half together, to Lindsay, whom I just met. Of course Lindsay was going to win that battle. The newer thing is always more exciting. More interesting. It was never fair to Alecia. I hung out with Lindsay a few times outside of work too. We went to donate plasma together. And we went to a couple concerts. For a couple days, Alecia went home to Kuna and I got rides to work with Lindsay. I told Alecia that I was getting rides with Kelsey Morgan, this other girl we work with. I knew Alecia wouldn't get jealous of Kelsey because she wasn't too attractive. Alecia was rather shallow like that.
However, everything changed on June 5th. Alecia had found out that I went to a concert with Lindsay because I left a message from Lindsay on Facebook that had details on the concert. You want to know the sad truth about this? I wanted Alecia to find out. I wanted her to see that and get mad and dump me. If I really wanted to keep it a secret, I would of deleted every bit of evidence. But I didn't. So on June 5th at approximately 11:30 am, I went to lunch. And I saw many texts from Alecia. She found the message and wanted to talk to me. So she came down to work and I told her the truth (and this is exactly what was said):
After some fighting:
Alecia: "Do you have anything else you want to say?"
Me: "I like Lindsay."
Alecia: "How much?"
Me: "Enough to want to break up with you."
And that was it. I got out of the car and tried to go back to work but I couldn't. I felt to guilty. So I went home (or at least to my former home) and tried to help pack up everything. She was livid with me. I don't blame her. What I did was awful. She yelled at me until I left. I moved back into my old place at the elms and tried to settle there, and that's the weird thing. I wasn't crying. I really didn't feel that way for her anymore. That just made me feel more guilty. She asked me to help her pay rent for one more month. I didn't mind. Convergys pays really well at least for being such a bad job. I didn't see her again for a while.
Then we fast forward to June 7th: That was when I first held Lindsay's hand. And that night, after she got off work, we kissed. I thought this was exactly what I wanted. At the time, it was. I was happy for a while. But then me and lindsay started to get closer. Wanting to hang out almost every day. And I didn't mind that. I really liked it. But I always felt like I had to do something to entertain her. Not that I wouldn't entertain her. I tried. But I didn't really have any idea what to do. I wanted to do stuff but I didn't really know what. Pocatello isn't exactly teeming with things to do. And I was happy just watching a good tv show or movie with someone who was cool to hang out with. Maybe this was my own insecurities. I felt like I was boring and needed to find some way to be not boring. She wasn't. She wanted to do things. Go outside and live. But I didn't really know what to do. That was never the case with Alecia. Things were never difficult with her and sometimes we didn't know what to do but I never felt guilty for not having any ideas. It was just easy to be with her.
Then the big issue came up. She was LDS. I wasn't. I've studied some of the beliefs and I just don't really agree with them. My big issue with Mormonism (and most religions) is that I don't know what's going to happen after we die. And I like not knowing. It means it could be anything. Anything at all. It almost makes death exciting. It's a whole new adventure (Emo, amirite?). We talked a little about this. She said she could never see herself settling down with someone who isn't mormon. Ironically this is about the only time I've cried during this whole ordeal. I felt like she was giving up on us before we had even really had a chance. In hindsight this seems like the thing I should of been least sad about.
Then came June 25th, Yesterday actually. Alecia asked me to come pay rent and grab the last couple things from her house. When I got there, my heart was pounding. I have never felt it beat so loud. I really haven't. I nearly passed out from it. And she opened the door and there was a boy there. She said he was just a friend but I didn't believe her. I paid rent and we talked for a bit. She had shaved almost all of Teke's hair off. I didn't much like that. I think he looked better with the hair. But alas, I was only there for about 5 minutes and I went on my way. And there it was. All the feelings I should of felt when we were breaking up. The sadness. I guess I never really accept we're breaking up till I see the other person move on. That's how it's always been. Jacquie was dating someone else a week after we broke up. That one hurt. A lot. Addy didn't move on for a few months. And I wasn't sad about us breaking up until I saw she had moved on. And now Alecia. She had moved on and I was sad. I didn't cry though. I wanted to but I didn't. Lindsay was coming over in a little bit. I figured she'd make me feel better. She did for a little bit. Then there was another lull in the in our conversation. I was starting to know little differences between us. She was outgoing. She was honest. Honest with everyone. I'm not honest. I lie. I lie to people. My parents. My friends. Alecia. Lindsay. Even myself. I lie to everyone. This post is the most honest thing I've done in a long time. And during that lull I started to think of everything I missed with Alecia. I think it was just because that day I was really starting to get over her. But I told Lindsay the truth. I told her I wasn't over Alecia. She didn't want to be strung along while I was thinking about some other girl, ironically what I was doing with Alecia. So we broke up. She said I should talk to Alecia about this. She thought that we should be together. And that was it. She cut me out of her life. Defriended me on Facebook. Quit texting me and quit talking to me. It's probably for the best. It's much easier to get over someone if they aren't in your life.
So that's what I decided to do with Aleica. I told her I still liked her. I told her I was sorry for everything that happened. And I told her that I couldn't be just friends with her. I told her that if she wanted to date other people, we can't be friends because it hurt too much to see her with someone else. But if she maybe wanted to be with me, then we could. She said she wanted to date other people and that maybe someday that would change but she couldn't forgive me for now. So I cut her out of my life. Defriended her on Facebook. Quit texting her and quit talking to her. I don't know what's going to happen now. The thing that's weirdest about all of this is how little I've cried over everything. I've felt sad, guilty, and depressed, but I haven't been that sad about it all. I guess I feel oddly hopeful. I don't know what's going to happen to me next. Maybe Alecia and I will get back together (though if we did, it wouldn't be for a while. And It wouldn't been the same as before. Nothing is going to be the same). Maybe Lindsay and I will take a chance (Though I doubt that. I think she won't forgive me for this. And I read her blog post (yes, I read the post about me Linds, but I won't read any more after today (Not a guarantee)) And I don't really think we're right for each other. Nothing against her. She's great. She's a way better person than I am. And I wish there was something here, but something just feels off about us.) Or maybe I'll meet someone new. Maybe I've already met someone and I just don't even know it yet. Who knows? Anything can happen here. I guess it's all just a new adventure waiting to be had.
So why say all this where anyone can see this and know my most innermost emotions? I guess Lindsay can be thanked for that. She said people should quit being so fake. People should be more honest. Especially me. She was right. I never was honest, at least not 100 percent honest with anyone. Not even myself. And I think she's right. I've decided to quit hiding my thoughts. I'm gonna be more honest from here on out. People may like this. Others may think i'm retarded for doing this. I quit caring what people think of me. That's not entirely true. I do care. But some of you are going to not like me. There's nothing I can do about that. But those of you who do care about me, those are the people who I care about.
So now what to do with my life. Most of my friends are in other cities. I have some friends here, but outside of Ultimate, it's a little weird hanging out with them. I guess I'll write more blog posts (Don't take that as a promise that I'll write more. I might but we'll see). And I'll be home more too. I guess I can walk around a lot. I might go to the cemetery more and feed the squirrels. (<3 you Victoria) But I don't know where I'll go next. Or what I'll do next. But I'm excited to find out. Guess that's it for now. Stay sexy internet.
Sunday, November 8, 2015
Friday, March 27, 2015
2014: A Review: Part 3: Like all good things and bad things, things must come to an end
I think I'm going to have a great story to tell about Treefort happening this year. So I need to finish this now.
October 2014
The last part of the year, is going to be rather short, don't worry.
So Bree and I hung out a few times and went on a date. Things really seemed like they were going well. It wasn't long before I really started to get a feel for what kind of person she was. This isn't totally true, but in a lot of ways, she reminded me of Alecia. Just in the way she carried herself. Her personality. They were just very similar. I think that's what attracted me to her really.
November 2014
So things were going well for a while... until she just quit talking to me. And for a long time, I didn't know why. She was only working 2 days a week so I didn't see her much at work. Eventually, after a couple weeks of us not talking, we finally worked a shift together. So I confronted her about it. She told me she had run off with her ex and gotten married.
Bad day number 5
I don't think it's a shock to anyone that 3 of the 5 bad days were girls at least sorta breaking up with me.
Anyways, for about 10 - 15 minutes, I went in the bathroom and cried. It was pretty shitty. However, it was Lindsay of all people who saved me again. There was this movie she loved, The Dish and the Spoon. Honestly, I wasn't a big fan of the movie when I watched it the first time. But it grew on me, especially after this incident.
*Spoiler Alert*
So the plot of the movie is this lady's husband cheats on her, so she runs off with this guy and... well honestly it's hard to describe what they do. She finds herself? (While finding the girl her boyfriend cheats on her with and kicking her ass). Anyways, at the end of the movie she goes back to her husband, and the guy she runs off with sorta... disappears.
That's kinda how I felt. I was there to help put her back on the right path. And now I've disappeared from her life. She left Walgreens, we don't talk, we aren't even Facebook friends. Everything we ever were is in the past now.
Honestly, Since this incident has happened with Bree, I've held no real grudges against her. Which is weird because it seems like she hurt me, but... I don't think I liked her enough for her to do any real damage to me. Not that I didn't like her, but we were only "together" for a few weeks at most.
December 2014
I don't remember much about December being eventful. I finished school. Tony and Kerynn came to town for Christmas. Spent a lot of time with the family. The only really eventful thing was me confessing I still have feelings for Lindsay.
Which I don't think surprised anyone, even her. However, I think she was starting to date William at that time (which I'll have more to talk about during my next post), so she pushed me away. Told me that, as we both knew, it wasn't meant to be.
So...
What have I been doing the last couple months that's kept me so busy? Well, a lot of things, and I swear I'll have more to talk about when it comes to Treefort and Lindsay, but that's to wait until my next post. However, I think the most important thing I've been doing is finding out who I WANT to be, not who I think I SHOULD be. It's made me better as a person I think, and I'm far less depressed now. I'm not constantly feeling like I'm failing because I'm not with someone, I'm happy just being me. (Though there are still moments where I feel sad there isn't someone there)
Anyways, that's all for tonight, but there will be much much more to talk about next time. I swear.
October 2014
The last part of the year, is going to be rather short, don't worry.
So Bree and I hung out a few times and went on a date. Things really seemed like they were going well. It wasn't long before I really started to get a feel for what kind of person she was. This isn't totally true, but in a lot of ways, she reminded me of Alecia. Just in the way she carried herself. Her personality. They were just very similar. I think that's what attracted me to her really.
November 2014
So things were going well for a while... until she just quit talking to me. And for a long time, I didn't know why. She was only working 2 days a week so I didn't see her much at work. Eventually, after a couple weeks of us not talking, we finally worked a shift together. So I confronted her about it. She told me she had run off with her ex and gotten married.
Bad day number 5
I don't think it's a shock to anyone that 3 of the 5 bad days were girls at least sorta breaking up with me.
Anyways, for about 10 - 15 minutes, I went in the bathroom and cried. It was pretty shitty. However, it was Lindsay of all people who saved me again. There was this movie she loved, The Dish and the Spoon. Honestly, I wasn't a big fan of the movie when I watched it the first time. But it grew on me, especially after this incident.
*Spoiler Alert*
So the plot of the movie is this lady's husband cheats on her, so she runs off with this guy and... well honestly it's hard to describe what they do. She finds herself? (While finding the girl her boyfriend cheats on her with and kicking her ass). Anyways, at the end of the movie she goes back to her husband, and the guy she runs off with sorta... disappears.
That's kinda how I felt. I was there to help put her back on the right path. And now I've disappeared from her life. She left Walgreens, we don't talk, we aren't even Facebook friends. Everything we ever were is in the past now.
Honestly, Since this incident has happened with Bree, I've held no real grudges against her. Which is weird because it seems like she hurt me, but... I don't think I liked her enough for her to do any real damage to me. Not that I didn't like her, but we were only "together" for a few weeks at most.
December 2014
I don't remember much about December being eventful. I finished school. Tony and Kerynn came to town for Christmas. Spent a lot of time with the family. The only really eventful thing was me confessing I still have feelings for Lindsay.
Which I don't think surprised anyone, even her. However, I think she was starting to date William at that time (which I'll have more to talk about during my next post), so she pushed me away. Told me that, as we both knew, it wasn't meant to be.
So...
What have I been doing the last couple months that's kept me so busy? Well, a lot of things, and I swear I'll have more to talk about when it comes to Treefort and Lindsay, but that's to wait until my next post. However, I think the most important thing I've been doing is finding out who I WANT to be, not who I think I SHOULD be. It's made me better as a person I think, and I'm far less depressed now. I'm not constantly feeling like I'm failing because I'm not with someone, I'm happy just being me. (Though there are still moments where I feel sad there isn't someone there)
Anyways, that's all for tonight, but there will be much much more to talk about next time. I swear.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
2014: A Review: Part 2: Sleep is the real enemy
Ok, I can't sleep, so where were we?
July 2014
This is starting over. I moved back into my parents house. I was pretty depressed most of the time. Fortunately for me, Sean got me a job with Neil making the tracks around football fields. This job was pretty good for me. It got me out of the house, and spending time with neil and sean so I didn't spend as much time hung up on Alecia. For a short period this was fine.
Cool Kids - Echosmith
Forest Whitaker - Bad Books
Fader - The Temper Trap
Then there was the second bad day (out of roughly 5 bad days this year, the first of which was the day I got back to the home in Poky after Alecia left.) We had just finished another day of work, and me and sean bought this cool Taco Bell sign that we were gonna hang in our apartment. I was feeling pretty good... until we got back to the hotel.
First, Alecia was frustrated with our old roommates not paying their bills on our house that our names were (unfortunately) still on. Then, the people Teke were staying with said that Teke couldn't stay with them anymore because he wasn't getting along with their dog. Last, and worst of all, I found out Lindsay had gotten in a serious car accident... Her friend told me she was fine, only some bumps and bruises, but it was still terrifying. What if she had died? She'd be gone... and believe me, I'd be completely lost right now in this moment if it wasn't for her. She's always there to listen to me when I'm on the verge of breakdown. Even though we aren't together, I always feel so safe talking to her about my issues.
Anyways, I talked to Neil after this and told him I couldn't work much longer because I needed to be around Teke. So I applied at the Walgreens that Marcus works at. I started a job there soon after that. I sent Lindsay some get well gifts, and things worked out with the ex roommates.
It was around this time that I started talking to Meghan again. I had tried to set up a game of ultimate, which just happened to be our favorite sport. However, the person who promised people there didn't deliver, so it was just me, her, her sister, and about 5 of her friends. It wasn't much of a game, so we went to get some ice cream instead. I'm not too sure how this happened, but it ended up being just me, my friend Jordan, Meghan, and Meghan's sister, Angie. Angie and Jordan were already kinda friends from ISU so it sorta turned into this double date. Anyways, at the end of the night, I got the courage to ask her out on real date, and she said yes. So began my second summer romance.
Over & Over - Smallpooks
Lost in My Mind - The Head and the Heart
Baby, It's Fact - Hellogoodbye
August 2014
While I do genuinely believe that she liked me, and possibly may still like me on this day, things don't always just work out that way. So we had our summer fling and I honestly thought things were going well, and I bet she did too, but she was going back to U of I for her last semester. She told me numerous times that she wasn't looking for a serious relationship, and I respected that, but deep down I knew that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted a relationship. Anyways she went back to U of I, and deep down I held onto this hope that we would get back together when she got back.
A couple other days of interest from the month:
The day I started at Walgreens: This day was important because I met another girl, Bree, who's part in this story doesn't come up until later.
The day I contemplated suicide: Ok, I knew I wasn't actually going to do it. Suicide is such a selfish thing to do, but this day was an extremely awful day (Bad day number 3 (out of 5ish))
Around this time, me and Sean were searching for an apartment together. We had picked a place but it wasn't pet friendly. So we decided we were going to sneak Teke in. We put down the deposit, but we soon read the rules and I felt like I didn't want to risk bringing Teke. This lead to us not getting our deposit back... It was a long and frustrating day, but it wasn't compounded by the fact that Alecia got a new boyfriend...
A little tidbit about myself: I don't really accept things are over with a girl until she moves on. I can lie to you and myself all I want, but I know deep down a decent part of me still wanted her back, cheating and all. Hell, even today some part of me wants her back, even if my better judgement says I shouldn't, I think I was happiest with her.
Sean was understanding about my predicament and didn't make too much of a big deal about losing that deposit.
Anyways, the reason I say this was the day I contemplated suicide is because I actually ended up calling the suicide hotline. I just wanted someone new to talk to about it. They didn't really give me much help though. They kinda asked the questions I expected them to ask. Do you think you'll actually commit suicide? Do you need counseling? The truth was I just wanted to feel like I was having a conversation with someone. Not just answering questions about my sanity.
The World at Large - Modest Mouse
The First Single (You know me) - The Format
Riptide - Vance Joy
Tessellate - Tokyo Police Club
Anyways, I got through those bad days. Bad days don't just get better instantly. It something you have to suffer through. They often linger for a couple days afterwards. Eventually though, you survive.
September, 2014
And you move on. So the new school year started. At first, I was full of hope and excitement. I was gonna get good grades. I was gonna make new friends. I was gonna be so good at getting girls. Life has an interesting way of humbling you. I ended up not really putting myself out there for most of my classes. I turned into another face in the crowd. I did join the Ultimate team at least. I met some new people through them but considering that a fair amount of the team is into certain drugs, and I, being a goodie two shoe, am not into certain drugs, I didn't make an amazing connection with them. Not that I don't like them or anything, it just feels like I'm one of the more forgettable members of the team.
So, when the semester started Meghan told me to see other people. Not that she wasn't into me, again, I still believe she was, but she was always going to remain single. However, I didn't really put myself out there, so I didn't ask anyone out. I kept holding onto the fact that Meghan and I would get together when she got back. Of course, as most of you have probably noticed by now, we aren't.
Chasin Honey - Wild Party
Mr. Pitiful - Matt Costa
October, 2014
I found a weekend where I had a couple days off of work. I talked to Meghan and U of I was hosting a costume tournament. So we set up plans for me to come up. For about the first twenty four hours of the trip, things went well. I hung out with her roommates and her. I played ultimate. I had brought Teke. Everyone, and I mean every single person ever, loves Teke. So naturally, Teke's owner was pretty popular.
However, it was around 4 pm on Saturday where things went wrong. (Bad day number 4) I started getting stuck in my own head... I think those of you who are reading this know about these things. Those days where you're stuck on such a shitty thought that you can't get off of? Yeah, I had one of those days. This though was, I'm just going to wait until Meghan moves back and I'll just date her then. However, she didn't really want that. She told me not to get out there and meet other people. If we both happen to be single when she moves back to Boise, then maybe it'll be fate. But don't expect that. Besides, she said she might want to travel the world. Move to San Fransisco or New York or Europe or something. She might just want to be single when that happens. Then she asked me what the problem really was. I realized I had put all my efforts into her. I guess in a weird way, this was her breaking up with me. I didn't realize this at the time, but I think she already knew she wasn't going to date me. She already had someone else she wanted to be with.
So I spent the next several hours (5 pm to 3 am) trying to sleep with little success. Meghan told me that sleep would help. She was right, but getting to sleep was so difficult (much like it is tonight). However, when I woke up the next morning, I started feeling better. Me and Meghan talked more, and I decided I needed to move on from Meghan.
Remember me briefly mentioning Bree? Well here's a little background on her. When I met her, she was engaged, however, her fiance cheated on her, and she subsequently broke up with him. (Sounds sorta familiar doesn't it?) Anyways, with our odd connection, I decided I should ask her out. It took about a 6 hour drive down from Moscow with me constantly telling myself, "You're going to ask out Bree. You're going to ask out Bree."
Eventually, I got to Walgreens, went up to her, and as soon as I got there, I just walked up to her and asked her out. She said yes. I was very happy for the next few days.
It's Nice to be Alive - Ball Park Music
I Wanna Get Better - Bleachers
Something to Do - HelloGoodbye
Changing of The Seasons - Two Door Cinema Club
Lady of Late - Priory
I think I'm tired enough to go to bed now, so I'll finish up the year next time, I promise.
July 2014
This is starting over. I moved back into my parents house. I was pretty depressed most of the time. Fortunately for me, Sean got me a job with Neil making the tracks around football fields. This job was pretty good for me. It got me out of the house, and spending time with neil and sean so I didn't spend as much time hung up on Alecia. For a short period this was fine.
Cool Kids - Echosmith
Forest Whitaker - Bad Books
Fader - The Temper Trap
Then there was the second bad day (out of roughly 5 bad days this year, the first of which was the day I got back to the home in Poky after Alecia left.) We had just finished another day of work, and me and sean bought this cool Taco Bell sign that we were gonna hang in our apartment. I was feeling pretty good... until we got back to the hotel.
First, Alecia was frustrated with our old roommates not paying their bills on our house that our names were (unfortunately) still on. Then, the people Teke were staying with said that Teke couldn't stay with them anymore because he wasn't getting along with their dog. Last, and worst of all, I found out Lindsay had gotten in a serious car accident... Her friend told me she was fine, only some bumps and bruises, but it was still terrifying. What if she had died? She'd be gone... and believe me, I'd be completely lost right now in this moment if it wasn't for her. She's always there to listen to me when I'm on the verge of breakdown. Even though we aren't together, I always feel so safe talking to her about my issues.
Anyways, I talked to Neil after this and told him I couldn't work much longer because I needed to be around Teke. So I applied at the Walgreens that Marcus works at. I started a job there soon after that. I sent Lindsay some get well gifts, and things worked out with the ex roommates.
It was around this time that I started talking to Meghan again. I had tried to set up a game of ultimate, which just happened to be our favorite sport. However, the person who promised people there didn't deliver, so it was just me, her, her sister, and about 5 of her friends. It wasn't much of a game, so we went to get some ice cream instead. I'm not too sure how this happened, but it ended up being just me, my friend Jordan, Meghan, and Meghan's sister, Angie. Angie and Jordan were already kinda friends from ISU so it sorta turned into this double date. Anyways, at the end of the night, I got the courage to ask her out on real date, and she said yes. So began my second summer romance.
Over & Over - Smallpooks
Lost in My Mind - The Head and the Heart
Baby, It's Fact - Hellogoodbye
August 2014
While I do genuinely believe that she liked me, and possibly may still like me on this day, things don't always just work out that way. So we had our summer fling and I honestly thought things were going well, and I bet she did too, but she was going back to U of I for her last semester. She told me numerous times that she wasn't looking for a serious relationship, and I respected that, but deep down I knew that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted a relationship. Anyways she went back to U of I, and deep down I held onto this hope that we would get back together when she got back.
A couple other days of interest from the month:
The day I started at Walgreens: This day was important because I met another girl, Bree, who's part in this story doesn't come up until later.
The day I contemplated suicide: Ok, I knew I wasn't actually going to do it. Suicide is such a selfish thing to do, but this day was an extremely awful day (Bad day number 3 (out of 5ish))
Around this time, me and Sean were searching for an apartment together. We had picked a place but it wasn't pet friendly. So we decided we were going to sneak Teke in. We put down the deposit, but we soon read the rules and I felt like I didn't want to risk bringing Teke. This lead to us not getting our deposit back... It was a long and frustrating day, but it wasn't compounded by the fact that Alecia got a new boyfriend...
A little tidbit about myself: I don't really accept things are over with a girl until she moves on. I can lie to you and myself all I want, but I know deep down a decent part of me still wanted her back, cheating and all. Hell, even today some part of me wants her back, even if my better judgement says I shouldn't, I think I was happiest with her.
Sean was understanding about my predicament and didn't make too much of a big deal about losing that deposit.
Anyways, the reason I say this was the day I contemplated suicide is because I actually ended up calling the suicide hotline. I just wanted someone new to talk to about it. They didn't really give me much help though. They kinda asked the questions I expected them to ask. Do you think you'll actually commit suicide? Do you need counseling? The truth was I just wanted to feel like I was having a conversation with someone. Not just answering questions about my sanity.
The World at Large - Modest Mouse
The First Single (You know me) - The Format
Riptide - Vance Joy
Tessellate - Tokyo Police Club
Anyways, I got through those bad days. Bad days don't just get better instantly. It something you have to suffer through. They often linger for a couple days afterwards. Eventually though, you survive.
September, 2014
And you move on. So the new school year started. At first, I was full of hope and excitement. I was gonna get good grades. I was gonna make new friends. I was gonna be so good at getting girls. Life has an interesting way of humbling you. I ended up not really putting myself out there for most of my classes. I turned into another face in the crowd. I did join the Ultimate team at least. I met some new people through them but considering that a fair amount of the team is into certain drugs, and I, being a goodie two shoe, am not into certain drugs, I didn't make an amazing connection with them. Not that I don't like them or anything, it just feels like I'm one of the more forgettable members of the team.
So, when the semester started Meghan told me to see other people. Not that she wasn't into me, again, I still believe she was, but she was always going to remain single. However, I didn't really put myself out there, so I didn't ask anyone out. I kept holding onto the fact that Meghan and I would get together when she got back. Of course, as most of you have probably noticed by now, we aren't.
Chasin Honey - Wild Party
Mr. Pitiful - Matt Costa
October, 2014
I found a weekend where I had a couple days off of work. I talked to Meghan and U of I was hosting a costume tournament. So we set up plans for me to come up. For about the first twenty four hours of the trip, things went well. I hung out with her roommates and her. I played ultimate. I had brought Teke. Everyone, and I mean every single person ever, loves Teke. So naturally, Teke's owner was pretty popular.
However, it was around 4 pm on Saturday where things went wrong. (Bad day number 4) I started getting stuck in my own head... I think those of you who are reading this know about these things. Those days where you're stuck on such a shitty thought that you can't get off of? Yeah, I had one of those days. This though was, I'm just going to wait until Meghan moves back and I'll just date her then. However, she didn't really want that. She told me not to get out there and meet other people. If we both happen to be single when she moves back to Boise, then maybe it'll be fate. But don't expect that. Besides, she said she might want to travel the world. Move to San Fransisco or New York or Europe or something. She might just want to be single when that happens. Then she asked me what the problem really was. I realized I had put all my efforts into her. I guess in a weird way, this was her breaking up with me. I didn't realize this at the time, but I think she already knew she wasn't going to date me. She already had someone else she wanted to be with.
So I spent the next several hours (5 pm to 3 am) trying to sleep with little success. Meghan told me that sleep would help. She was right, but getting to sleep was so difficult (much like it is tonight). However, when I woke up the next morning, I started feeling better. Me and Meghan talked more, and I decided I needed to move on from Meghan.
Remember me briefly mentioning Bree? Well here's a little background on her. When I met her, she was engaged, however, her fiance cheated on her, and she subsequently broke up with him. (Sounds sorta familiar doesn't it?) Anyways, with our odd connection, I decided I should ask her out. It took about a 6 hour drive down from Moscow with me constantly telling myself, "You're going to ask out Bree. You're going to ask out Bree."
Eventually, I got to Walgreens, went up to her, and as soon as I got there, I just walked up to her and asked her out. She said yes. I was very happy for the next few days.
It's Nice to be Alive - Ball Park Music
I Wanna Get Better - Bleachers
Something to Do - HelloGoodbye
Changing of The Seasons - Two Door Cinema Club
Lady of Late - Priory
I think I'm tired enough to go to bed now, so I'll finish up the year next time, I promise.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
2014: A Review: Part 1: Love is a cruel mistress, but I still love love.
What a weird year 2014 was. I've been thinking a lot about this past year lately, as this seems the appropriate time to do so. It feels like this year I failed. A year ago today, I was engaged, I had my life figured out, and it seemed I knew what I was doing. Now? Well, I'm lost. I'm not sure what I'm doing really. I'm depressed honestly, but I think I've become a better person because of it. So lets take a moment to review my year. Alongside this, I'll list the songs I most enjoyed and defined myself during that time of the year.
Winter:
Things seemed simple for me at the time. I was engaged. I played video games. I went to school. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. The exception being Lindsay. I knew Alecia wouldn't be happy when she found out, but I was still having occasional conversations with her. Never meeting with her or anything more than that, but simply talking. Of course Alecia couldn't trust me. She has trust issues that I believe go back to her first boyfriend, who cheated on her with one of her best friends. Of course, I didn't help these when I left her to pursue Lindsay. Even after I came back to her, she still struggled to trust me fully. I don't think I deserved that trust really. I don't know if there will ever be a time in my life where I don't want Lindsay to at least be my friend. I don't think Alecia would of ever been ok with that. I like to think me and Lindsay are just friends, but she always does linger in the back of my mind. She knows this but this is further down in the story.
Clean Light - The Mowgli's
Say it, Just Say it - The Mowgli's
The Way We Get By - Spoon
St Croix - Family of the Year
Anyways, this continues until one eventful March night. She discovers I have a second twitter page. Actually that page was a cover for my first twitter page to hide the fact that I still use the first twitter page. I could of continued the lie if I wanted to but I wanted to end it. So I told her about the first twitter page and that I was still talking to Lindsay. She cried in the living room for what felt like hours, until she asked me to come out. I was ready for it to end that night.
But it didn't.
We talked, and I remember being really shocked about one thing in particular. She gave the ultimatium: Alecia or Lindsay. I told her the truth. At the time, it was Alecia. But I told her she still lingered in my mind. That I still wanted her as a friend. She didn't seem to care about the second part so much as the first one which actually frustrated me for a while. However this lead to what I consider one of Alecia's greatest moments of growth I ever did see.
A couple days after this fight, we talk about it again. She tries to accept that we are friends and allows this to happen with one rule, she wants to be friends with her too. For a while this seems to be working and I have hope that this can work. I can be in a relationship with Alecia while being friends with Lindsay. However, for those of you who know me, or even read my blog occasionally, you know how this ends.
May:
Alecia graduates and I'm happy for her. We start talking about possibly moving back to Boise. I know she wants to move back closer to her family and I know Sean and possibly Jared are going to attend BSU so I think we would both be happier there. I applied to BSU and I thought Alecia would be really happy about moving away from Lindsay, making it harder for us to be friends. Then she goes to Mexico. As a graduation present from her grandparents, she visits her grandparent's friends for a week in Mexico. There she meets Javier...
It's my fault too. I knew it was tough for her being away from me with the possibility of me meeting up with Lindsay and her having no way of knowing. I could of messaged her more. I could of told her I missed her and I loved her more. There was a two day period when I didn't message her at all. For those of you who know me well (Sean in particular), you know I'm not very good at messaging. Just confirming and talking to people I forget to do too often. Anyways, that's when it happened. She cheated.
I didn't know yet. So when she came back to Pocatello, I was still very happy to see her. However, she wasn't terribly excited to see me. In previous cases when we had been apart for a long period of time, she was very happy to see me, but it could tell it wasn't right this time. Something was wrong. I wasn't sure of what until one fateful Friday. I was taking a nap and when I woke up, I wanted to watch some videos on my computer. At the time, my laptop's monitor was breaking. So I decided to use Alecia. When I opened it, facebook was open with two message conversations going. One was with Hailey, her best friend. The other was with Javier... You could tell a lot about the way they were talking that it was clear they weren't just friends. But I had to look at Hailey's messages to be sure. A little ways up the page you could see it.
"And I maaayyy have made out with a guy"
I looked at more of her messages. It wasn't remorse or guilt she felt. She was fine. She had just assumed that I cheated and that we had ended. I confronted her when she got home later. She didn't feel true remorse. I recall an incident about a year earlier when she told me she had accidently kissed Liam. She was so scared that we would end. She cried and struggled for a few days but I believed her when she said it was an accident. This time, she wasn't really sorry. She had accepted that it was the end.
Though we didn't end it right there. We both decided to go back to Boise and think about this.
Marlaina Kamikaze - The Zolas
The Great Collapse - The Zolas
Coney Island - Good Old War
Crystal Vases - The Last Royals
Butch - Saint Motel
Your Ex-Lover is Dead - Stars
But I couldn't. I couldn't truly imagine life without her for a while. Not until I got back to Boise and saw she had moved out. That was the worst moment of 2014, possibly my life. I cried. I cried openly. I even cried later that night when watching The Pursuit of Happyness at the plasma center. God, why did it have to be that movie. It's such a depressing movie for me, even though it has a happy ending. I didn't get to watch the end. The plasma center can be cruel in that way. Sometimes you get really into a movie and have to leave when things get interesting.
But God bless Lindsay Ladell. She kept me together when I was at my weakest. I recall this trip to Boise we took together. I had a meeting with Boise State advising and she wanted to visit some friends so we went together. I was actually happy during that trip. Even though it was only a few days after the breakup with Alecia, I was actually truly happy. One thing I remember in particular about that trip was the speed I was going. Normally on a 75mph highway, I drive around 80mph. However, I actually drove around 73mph with her in the car. I just wanted my time with her to last a few minutes longer.
June:
It wasn't long after that when Lindsay and I found our way back to each other. Were we a couple? Well, yes I think we were. Though neither of us would truly admit it, we sure did act like a couple. It sure did hurt both of us when we ended. I think of her fondly still as a former companion. We went swimming and to fancy pizza restaurants where we tried to recreate photos of her friends. We went shopping and she tried to get me to step out of my comfort zone. We got married. I think we were a couple. However, it was a short lived relationship.
Time - The Mowgli's
Where is My Mind? - Pixies
Smoke Breathing Monsters - Desert Noises
Summer Girl - Family of the Year
Deep down I always knew I wanted to go back to Boise. I tried to convince myself that I could still go to ISU, but I really wanted to start over in Boise. Lindsay and I both knew that this would be the end of us... again, though we both didn't really admit it.
One thing I've started to wonder lately is if Lindsay let me love her because she knew how wounded I was. Though there has always been this mutual attraction between us, we both knew it would never truly work out. It makes me think of one of my favorite moments in my favorite book: I am the messenger by Markus Zusak. The main character has always been in love with one of his best friends. However she knows she can't give him the love he wants back to him. However, in one moments he goes to her house and dances with her, doesn't say anything, just dances with her for 3 minutes. In those 3 minutes she is able to let go of those fears and just love him just for that brief moment.
I like to think that was what Lindsay did for me. We both knew we couldn't give each other the love we wanted from the other, but she let me love her. It was for a brief month, and that month feels like such a long time ago, but she let me love her...
July and beyond will have to come later. Believe me my few loyal followers, I have more to write, but I also have work in about 6 hours and would like a decent amount of sleep. There is so much to say and it's a struggle to say it right but I want to try, for myself.
Winter:
Things seemed simple for me at the time. I was engaged. I played video games. I went to school. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. The exception being Lindsay. I knew Alecia wouldn't be happy when she found out, but I was still having occasional conversations with her. Never meeting with her or anything more than that, but simply talking. Of course Alecia couldn't trust me. She has trust issues that I believe go back to her first boyfriend, who cheated on her with one of her best friends. Of course, I didn't help these when I left her to pursue Lindsay. Even after I came back to her, she still struggled to trust me fully. I don't think I deserved that trust really. I don't know if there will ever be a time in my life where I don't want Lindsay to at least be my friend. I don't think Alecia would of ever been ok with that. I like to think me and Lindsay are just friends, but she always does linger in the back of my mind. She knows this but this is further down in the story.
Clean Light - The Mowgli's
Say it, Just Say it - The Mowgli's
The Way We Get By - Spoon
St Croix - Family of the Year
Anyways, this continues until one eventful March night. She discovers I have a second twitter page. Actually that page was a cover for my first twitter page to hide the fact that I still use the first twitter page. I could of continued the lie if I wanted to but I wanted to end it. So I told her about the first twitter page and that I was still talking to Lindsay. She cried in the living room for what felt like hours, until she asked me to come out. I was ready for it to end that night.
But it didn't.
We talked, and I remember being really shocked about one thing in particular. She gave the ultimatium: Alecia or Lindsay. I told her the truth. At the time, it was Alecia. But I told her she still lingered in my mind. That I still wanted her as a friend. She didn't seem to care about the second part so much as the first one which actually frustrated me for a while. However this lead to what I consider one of Alecia's greatest moments of growth I ever did see.
A couple days after this fight, we talk about it again. She tries to accept that we are friends and allows this to happen with one rule, she wants to be friends with her too. For a while this seems to be working and I have hope that this can work. I can be in a relationship with Alecia while being friends with Lindsay. However, for those of you who know me, or even read my blog occasionally, you know how this ends.
May:
Alecia graduates and I'm happy for her. We start talking about possibly moving back to Boise. I know she wants to move back closer to her family and I know Sean and possibly Jared are going to attend BSU so I think we would both be happier there. I applied to BSU and I thought Alecia would be really happy about moving away from Lindsay, making it harder for us to be friends. Then she goes to Mexico. As a graduation present from her grandparents, she visits her grandparent's friends for a week in Mexico. There she meets Javier...
It's my fault too. I knew it was tough for her being away from me with the possibility of me meeting up with Lindsay and her having no way of knowing. I could of messaged her more. I could of told her I missed her and I loved her more. There was a two day period when I didn't message her at all. For those of you who know me well (Sean in particular), you know I'm not very good at messaging. Just confirming and talking to people I forget to do too often. Anyways, that's when it happened. She cheated.
I didn't know yet. So when she came back to Pocatello, I was still very happy to see her. However, she wasn't terribly excited to see me. In previous cases when we had been apart for a long period of time, she was very happy to see me, but it could tell it wasn't right this time. Something was wrong. I wasn't sure of what until one fateful Friday. I was taking a nap and when I woke up, I wanted to watch some videos on my computer. At the time, my laptop's monitor was breaking. So I decided to use Alecia. When I opened it, facebook was open with two message conversations going. One was with Hailey, her best friend. The other was with Javier... You could tell a lot about the way they were talking that it was clear they weren't just friends. But I had to look at Hailey's messages to be sure. A little ways up the page you could see it.
"And I maaayyy have made out with a guy"
I looked at more of her messages. It wasn't remorse or guilt she felt. She was fine. She had just assumed that I cheated and that we had ended. I confronted her when she got home later. She didn't feel true remorse. I recall an incident about a year earlier when she told me she had accidently kissed Liam. She was so scared that we would end. She cried and struggled for a few days but I believed her when she said it was an accident. This time, she wasn't really sorry. She had accepted that it was the end.
Though we didn't end it right there. We both decided to go back to Boise and think about this.
Marlaina Kamikaze - The Zolas
The Great Collapse - The Zolas
Coney Island - Good Old War
Crystal Vases - The Last Royals
Butch - Saint Motel
Your Ex-Lover is Dead - Stars
But I couldn't. I couldn't truly imagine life without her for a while. Not until I got back to Boise and saw she had moved out. That was the worst moment of 2014, possibly my life. I cried. I cried openly. I even cried later that night when watching The Pursuit of Happyness at the plasma center. God, why did it have to be that movie. It's such a depressing movie for me, even though it has a happy ending. I didn't get to watch the end. The plasma center can be cruel in that way. Sometimes you get really into a movie and have to leave when things get interesting.
But God bless Lindsay Ladell. She kept me together when I was at my weakest. I recall this trip to Boise we took together. I had a meeting with Boise State advising and she wanted to visit some friends so we went together. I was actually happy during that trip. Even though it was only a few days after the breakup with Alecia, I was actually truly happy. One thing I remember in particular about that trip was the speed I was going. Normally on a 75mph highway, I drive around 80mph. However, I actually drove around 73mph with her in the car. I just wanted my time with her to last a few minutes longer.
June:
It wasn't long after that when Lindsay and I found our way back to each other. Were we a couple? Well, yes I think we were. Though neither of us would truly admit it, we sure did act like a couple. It sure did hurt both of us when we ended. I think of her fondly still as a former companion. We went swimming and to fancy pizza restaurants where we tried to recreate photos of her friends. We went shopping and she tried to get me to step out of my comfort zone. We got married. I think we were a couple. However, it was a short lived relationship.
Time - The Mowgli's
Where is My Mind? - Pixies
Smoke Breathing Monsters - Desert Noises
Summer Girl - Family of the Year
Deep down I always knew I wanted to go back to Boise. I tried to convince myself that I could still go to ISU, but I really wanted to start over in Boise. Lindsay and I both knew that this would be the end of us... again, though we both didn't really admit it.
One thing I've started to wonder lately is if Lindsay let me love her because she knew how wounded I was. Though there has always been this mutual attraction between us, we both knew it would never truly work out. It makes me think of one of my favorite moments in my favorite book: I am the messenger by Markus Zusak. The main character has always been in love with one of his best friends. However she knows she can't give him the love he wants back to him. However, in one moments he goes to her house and dances with her, doesn't say anything, just dances with her for 3 minutes. In those 3 minutes she is able to let go of those fears and just love him just for that brief moment.
I like to think that was what Lindsay did for me. We both knew we couldn't give each other the love we wanted from the other, but she let me love her. It was for a brief month, and that month feels like such a long time ago, but she let me love her...
July and beyond will have to come later. Believe me my few loyal followers, I have more to write, but I also have work in about 6 hours and would like a decent amount of sleep. There is so much to say and it's a struggle to say it right but I want to try, for myself.
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