What a weird year 2014 was. I've been thinking a lot about this past year lately, as this seems the appropriate time to do so. It feels like this year I failed. A year ago today, I was engaged, I had my life figured out, and it seemed I knew what I was doing. Now? Well, I'm lost. I'm not sure what I'm doing really. I'm depressed honestly, but I think I've become a better person because of it. So lets take a moment to review my year. Alongside this, I'll list the songs I most enjoyed and defined myself during that time of the year.
Winter:
Things seemed simple for me at the time. I was engaged. I played video games. I went to school. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. The exception being Lindsay. I knew Alecia wouldn't be happy when she found out, but I was still having occasional conversations with her. Never meeting with her or anything more than that, but simply talking. Of course Alecia couldn't trust me. She has trust issues that I believe go back to her first boyfriend, who cheated on her with one of her best friends. Of course, I didn't help these when I left her to pursue Lindsay. Even after I came back to her, she still struggled to trust me fully. I don't think I deserved that trust really. I don't know if there will ever be a time in my life where I don't want Lindsay to at least be my friend. I don't think Alecia would of ever been ok with that. I like to think me and Lindsay are just friends, but she always does linger in the back of my mind. She knows this but this is further down in the story.
Clean Light - The Mowgli's
Say it, Just Say it - The Mowgli's
The Way We Get By - Spoon
St Croix - Family of the Year
Anyways, this continues until one eventful March night. She discovers I have a second twitter page. Actually that page was a cover for my first twitter page to hide the fact that I still use the first twitter page. I could of continued the lie if I wanted to but I wanted to end it. So I told her about the first twitter page and that I was still talking to Lindsay. She cried in the living room for what felt like hours, until she asked me to come out. I was ready for it to end that night.
But it didn't.
We talked, and I remember being really shocked about one thing in particular. She gave the ultimatium: Alecia or Lindsay. I told her the truth. At the time, it was Alecia. But I told her she still lingered in my mind. That I still wanted her as a friend. She didn't seem to care about the second part so much as the first one which actually frustrated me for a while. However this lead to what I consider one of Alecia's greatest moments of growth I ever did see.
A couple days after this fight, we talk about it again. She tries to accept that we are friends and allows this to happen with one rule, she wants to be friends with her too. For a while this seems to be working and I have hope that this can work. I can be in a relationship with Alecia while being friends with Lindsay. However, for those of you who know me, or even read my blog occasionally, you know how this ends.
May:
Alecia graduates and I'm happy for her. We start talking about possibly moving back to Boise. I know she wants to move back closer to her family and I know Sean and possibly Jared are going to attend BSU so I think we would both be happier there. I applied to BSU and I thought Alecia would be really happy about moving away from Lindsay, making it harder for us to be friends. Then she goes to Mexico. As a graduation present from her grandparents, she visits her grandparent's friends for a week in Mexico. There she meets Javier...
It's my fault too. I knew it was tough for her being away from me with the possibility of me meeting up with Lindsay and her having no way of knowing. I could of messaged her more. I could of told her I missed her and I loved her more. There was a two day period when I didn't message her at all. For those of you who know me well (Sean in particular), you know I'm not very good at messaging. Just confirming and talking to people I forget to do too often. Anyways, that's when it happened. She cheated.
I didn't know yet. So when she came back to Pocatello, I was still very happy to see her. However, she wasn't terribly excited to see me. In previous cases when we had been apart for a long period of time, she was very happy to see me, but it could tell it wasn't right this time. Something was wrong. I wasn't sure of what until one fateful Friday. I was taking a nap and when I woke up, I wanted to watch some videos on my computer. At the time, my laptop's monitor was breaking. So I decided to use Alecia. When I opened it, facebook was open with two message conversations going. One was with Hailey, her best friend. The other was with Javier... You could tell a lot about the way they were talking that it was clear they weren't just friends. But I had to look at Hailey's messages to be sure. A little ways up the page you could see it.
"And I maaayyy have made out with a guy"
I looked at more of her messages. It wasn't remorse or guilt she felt. She was fine. She had just assumed that I cheated and that we had ended. I confronted her when she got home later. She didn't feel true remorse. I recall an incident about a year earlier when she told me she had accidently kissed Liam. She was so scared that we would end. She cried and struggled for a few days but I believed her when she said it was an accident. This time, she wasn't really sorry. She had accepted that it was the end.
Though we didn't end it right there. We both decided to go back to Boise and think about this.
Marlaina Kamikaze - The Zolas
The Great Collapse - The Zolas
Coney Island - Good Old War
Crystal Vases - The Last Royals
Butch - Saint Motel
Your Ex-Lover is Dead - Stars
But I couldn't. I couldn't truly imagine life without her for a while. Not until I got back to Boise and saw she had moved out. That was the worst moment of 2014, possibly my life. I cried. I cried openly. I even cried later that night when watching The Pursuit of Happyness at the plasma center. God, why did it have to be that movie. It's such a depressing movie for me, even though it has a happy ending. I didn't get to watch the end. The plasma center can be cruel in that way. Sometimes you get really into a movie and have to leave when things get interesting.
But God bless Lindsay Ladell. She kept me together when I was at my weakest. I recall this trip to Boise we took together. I had a meeting with Boise State advising and she wanted to visit some friends so we went together. I was actually happy during that trip. Even though it was only a few days after the breakup with Alecia, I was actually truly happy. One thing I remember in particular about that trip was the speed I was going. Normally on a 75mph highway, I drive around 80mph. However, I actually drove around 73mph with her in the car. I just wanted my time with her to last a few minutes longer.
June:
It wasn't long after that when Lindsay and I found our way back to each other. Were we a couple? Well, yes I think we were. Though neither of us would truly admit it, we sure did act like a couple. It sure did hurt both of us when we ended. I think of her fondly still as a former companion. We went swimming and to fancy pizza restaurants where we tried to recreate photos of her friends. We went shopping and she tried to get me to step out of my comfort zone. We got married. I think we were a couple. However, it was a short lived relationship.
Time - The Mowgli's
Where is My Mind? - Pixies
Smoke Breathing Monsters - Desert Noises
Summer Girl - Family of the Year
Deep down I always knew I wanted to go back to Boise. I tried to convince myself that I could still go to ISU, but I really wanted to start over in Boise. Lindsay and I both knew that this would be the end of us... again, though we both didn't really admit it.
One thing I've started to wonder lately is if Lindsay let me love her because she knew how wounded I was. Though there has always been this mutual attraction between us, we both knew it would never truly work out. It makes me think of one of my favorite moments in my favorite book: I am the messenger by Markus Zusak. The main character has always been in love with one of his best friends. However she knows she can't give him the love he wants back to him. However, in one moments he goes to her house and dances with her, doesn't say anything, just dances with her for 3 minutes. In those 3 minutes she is able to let go of those fears and just love him just for that brief moment.
I like to think that was what Lindsay did for me. We both knew we couldn't give each other the love we wanted from the other, but she let me love her. It was for a brief month, and that month feels like such a long time ago, but she let me love her...
July and beyond will have to come later. Believe me my few loyal followers, I have more to write, but I also have work in about 6 hours and would like a decent amount of sleep. There is so much to say and it's a struggle to say it right but I want to try, for myself.
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