Thursday, January 15, 2015

2014: A Review: Part 2: Sleep is the real enemy

Ok, I can't sleep, so where were we?

July 2014

This is starting over. I moved back into my parents house. I was pretty depressed most of the time. Fortunately for me, Sean got me a job with Neil making the tracks around football fields. This job was pretty good for me. It got me out of the house, and spending time with neil and sean so I didn't spend as much time hung up on Alecia. For a short period this was fine.

Cool Kids - Echosmith
Forest Whitaker - Bad Books
Fader - The Temper Trap

Then there was the second bad day (out of roughly 5 bad days this year, the first of which was the day I got back to the home in Poky after Alecia left.) We had just finished another day of work, and me and sean bought this cool Taco Bell sign that we were gonna hang in our apartment. I was feeling pretty good... until we got back to the hotel.

First, Alecia was frustrated with our old roommates not paying their bills on our house that our names were (unfortunately) still on. Then, the people Teke were staying with said that Teke couldn't stay with them anymore because he wasn't getting along with their dog. Last, and worst of all, I found out Lindsay had gotten in a serious car accident... Her friend told me she was fine, only some bumps and bruises, but it was still terrifying. What if she had died? She'd be gone... and believe me, I'd be completely lost right now in this moment if it wasn't for her. She's always there to listen to me when I'm on the verge of breakdown. Even though we aren't together, I always feel so safe talking to her about my issues.

Anyways, I talked to Neil after this and told him I couldn't work much longer because I needed to be around Teke. So I applied at the Walgreens that Marcus works at. I started a job there soon after that. I sent Lindsay some get well gifts, and things worked out with the ex roommates.

It was around this time that I started talking to Meghan again. I had tried to set up a game of ultimate, which just happened to be our favorite sport. However, the person who promised people there didn't deliver, so it was just me, her, her sister, and about 5 of her friends. It wasn't much of a game, so we went to get some ice cream instead. I'm not too sure how this happened, but it ended up being just me, my friend Jordan, Meghan, and Meghan's sister, Angie. Angie and Jordan were already kinda friends from ISU so it sorta turned into this double date. Anyways, at the end of the night, I got the courage to ask her out on real date, and she said yes. So began my second summer romance.

Over & Over - Smallpooks
Lost in My Mind - The Head and the Heart
Baby, It's Fact - Hellogoodbye

August 2014

While I do genuinely believe that she liked me, and possibly may still like me on this day, things don't always just work out that way. So we had our summer fling and I honestly thought things were going well, and I bet she did too, but she was going back to U of I for her last semester. She told me numerous times that she wasn't looking for a serious relationship, and I respected that, but deep down I knew that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted a relationship. Anyways she went back to U of I, and deep down I held onto this hope that we would get back together when she got back.

A couple other days of interest from the month:

The day I started at Walgreens: This day was important because I met another girl, Bree, who's part in this story doesn't come up until later.

The day I contemplated suicide: Ok, I knew I wasn't actually going to do it. Suicide is such a selfish thing to do, but this day was an extremely awful day (Bad day number 3 (out of 5ish))

Around this time, me and Sean were searching for an apartment together. We had picked a place but it wasn't pet friendly. So we decided we were going to sneak Teke in. We put down the deposit, but we soon read the rules and I felt like I didn't want to risk bringing Teke. This lead to us not getting our deposit back... It was a long and frustrating day, but it wasn't compounded by the fact that Alecia got a new boyfriend...

A little tidbit about myself: I don't really accept things are over with a girl until she moves on. I can lie to you and myself all I want, but I know deep down a decent part of me still wanted her back, cheating and all. Hell, even today some part of me wants her back, even if my better judgement says I shouldn't, I think I was happiest with her.

Sean was understanding about my predicament and didn't make too much of a big deal about losing that deposit.

Anyways, the reason I say this was the day I contemplated suicide is because I actually ended up calling the suicide hotline. I just wanted someone new to talk to about it. They didn't really give me much help though. They kinda asked the questions I expected them to ask. Do you think you'll actually commit suicide? Do you need counseling? The truth was I just wanted to feel like I was having a conversation with someone. Not just answering questions about my sanity.

The World at Large - Modest Mouse
The First Single (You know me) - The Format
Riptide - Vance Joy
Tessellate - Tokyo Police Club

Anyways, I got through those bad days. Bad days don't just get better instantly. It something you have to suffer through. They often linger for a couple days afterwards. Eventually though, you survive.

September, 2014

And you move on. So the new school year started. At first, I was full of hope and excitement. I was gonna get good grades. I was gonna make new friends. I was gonna be so good at getting girls. Life has an interesting way of humbling you.  I ended up not really putting myself out there for most of my classes. I turned into another face in the crowd. I did join the Ultimate team at least. I met some new people through them but considering that a fair amount of the team is into certain drugs, and I, being a goodie two shoe, am not into certain drugs, I didn't make an amazing connection with them. Not that I don't like them or anything, it just feels like I'm one of the more forgettable members of the team.

So, when the semester started Meghan told me to see other people. Not that she wasn't into me, again, I still believe she was, but she was always going to remain single. However, I didn't really put myself out there, so I didn't ask anyone out. I kept holding onto the fact that Meghan and I would get together when she got back. Of course, as most of you have probably noticed by now, we aren't.

Chasin Honey - Wild Party
Mr. Pitiful - Matt Costa

October, 2014

I found a weekend where I had a couple days off of work. I talked to Meghan and U of I was hosting a costume tournament. So we set up plans for me to come up. For about the first twenty four hours of the trip, things went well. I hung out with her roommates and her. I played ultimate. I had brought Teke. Everyone, and I mean every single person ever, loves Teke. So naturally, Teke's owner was pretty popular.

However, it was around 4 pm on Saturday where things went wrong. (Bad day number 4) I started getting stuck in my own head... I think those of you who are reading this know about these things. Those days where you're stuck on such a shitty thought that you can't get off of? Yeah, I had one of those days. This though was, I'm just going to wait until Meghan moves back and I'll just date her then. However, she didn't really want that. She told me not to get out there and meet other people. If we both happen to be single when she moves back to Boise, then maybe it'll be fate. But don't expect that. Besides, she said she might want to travel the world. Move to San Fransisco or New York or Europe or something. She might just want to be single when that happens. Then she asked me what the problem really was. I realized I had put all my efforts into her. I guess in a weird way, this was her breaking up with me. I didn't realize this at the time, but I think she already knew she wasn't going to date me. She already had someone else she wanted to be with.

So I spent the next several hours (5 pm to 3 am) trying to sleep with little success. Meghan told me that sleep would help. She was right, but getting to sleep was so difficult (much like it is tonight). However, when I woke up the next morning, I started feeling better. Me and Meghan talked more, and I decided I needed to move on from Meghan.

Remember me briefly mentioning Bree? Well here's a little background on her. When I met her, she was engaged, however, her fiance cheated on her, and she subsequently broke up with him. (Sounds sorta familiar doesn't it?) Anyways, with our odd connection, I decided I should ask her out. It took about a 6 hour drive down from Moscow with me constantly telling myself, "You're going to ask out Bree. You're going to ask out Bree."

Eventually, I got to Walgreens, went up to her, and as soon as I got there, I just walked up to her and asked her out. She said yes. I was very happy for the next few days.

It's Nice to be Alive - Ball Park Music
I Wanna Get Better - Bleachers
Something to Do - HelloGoodbye
Changing of The Seasons - Two Door Cinema Club
Lady of Late - Priory

I think I'm tired enough to go to bed now, so I'll finish up the year next time, I promise.

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