Sunday, November 8, 2015

Story time: The Most Honest Thing I've Ever Written

To be honest, I haven't written lately because I think I'm happy. Usually I use this blog as a "cry for help/notice me" kind of thing. However, lately I've been pretty content with my life. I mean sure, my favorite lol team is falling apart, same with my NFL team, our college ultimate team is nowhere near as good as last year, and our bscs team lost in playoffs already, but I'm pretty satisfied. Maybe it's because I'm so busy. Maybe it's because I kinda sorta have a girlfriend-ish. Maybe it's because I'm pretty over Alecia.
Today I opened up a message from Alecia by accident. It was a little bit after we broke up and got back together. And it didn't make me sad. It made me feel happy. Happy that I was loved so unconditionally. Even though we had broken up she still truly loved me. It made me feel safe. Like, I did it once. I can do it again.
Anyways, this made me think of this post from a long time ago. I originally posted this around the summer of 2012. After me and Alecia broke up and after me and Lindsay broke up. This was around my lowest low following those breakups, kind of like how my post "This House" was my lowest low after my second break up with Alecia. I really liked this post but after me and Alecia got back together, she said this really hurt her because I said some mean things about her in this and she asked me to delete it. Well I could never bring myself to truly delete this so I just made it private so no one could read it except me. Well it feels like it's time to post this again. Here's my story: The Most Honest Thing I've Ever Written

It's amazing how much things can change over the shortest course of time. It's amazing where I was a year ago, when I last posted on here. It's amazing where I was 3 weeks ago, where I was a day ago, and where I am now. And here I am, really alone. The most alone I've been in a long time really. So I guess it's time for me to be really truly honest about myself. This is going to offend some people to talk about but I need to say it aloud for some odd reason.

It started on May 4th. I went to donate plasma like I have been doing for the past year or so. And I saw this girl. A girl wearing a cute blue dress and reading catch 22, a book I tried to read in high school but lost interest. And I normally have these weird little daydreams where this girl and I start up a conversation and suddenly realize how perfect we are for each and... I don't know. It's happens every now and then. It happened since I was in 7th grade with Cecilia Soto. Odds are she doesn't even remember who I am. We only talked a few times, but I developed this little daydream about her. Normally that's right where it ends, because the girl isn't interested in me or she has BF or something. Anyways, I move onto the next girl and life goes on. The first time this really changed was my freshman year of college. When I met a girl named Alecia. She was another little crush and she had a boyfriend. So normally that's right where it ends. But it didn't. I got her to break up with the BF for me. In fact, we kissed before they broke up. We were kissing for about a week before they broke up. I got her to fall for me over the boy that she had been with for almost a year. (This story is going to sound real familiar real soon.)
Anyways, the daydream normally ends when I go home and onto my life. But it didn't. 2 days later I started working at Convergys, the worst place in the world. And she was there. The girl from the plasma center. The girl I had the daydream about. Normally this isn't too weird. I have these sorts of daydreams with girls I have classes with. Like this girl Kelsey I had a couple classes with last semester. The daydream gets more detailed as we slowly get to know each other more. But normally i get by because the girl has no interest in me or has a boyfriend. This time was different. She remembered me from the plasma center. She said I looked like this guy from her favorite band, Bright Eyes. I soon found out she didn't have a boyfriend. And she was falling for me. Which was bad. Cause I was falling for her too. By the next weekend, May 11th, I was already falling out of love with Alecia, and falling for this new girl, Lindsay. So I tried to break up with Alecia. But we didn't. She insisted I was panicing because we had just moved into together and we were entering a whole new level of commitment. And I was afraid she might be right, so I stayed with her. But I didn't feel that way. I really felt so much less for Alecia and so much more for Lindsay. Over the next few weeks that became more and more true. I started looking forward to work. Work at this god awful job for the brief moments where we had break and I could hang out with Lindsay. Yet I was still with Alecia. Because I was trying to remember how I felt about Alecia when we first met. How lovestruck I was. And I was trying to compare that to this. But i couldn't do it. All I could do is compare Alecia, after a year and a half together, to Lindsay, whom I just met. Of course Lindsay was going to win that battle. The newer thing is always more exciting. More interesting. It was never fair to Alecia. I hung out with Lindsay a few times outside of work too. We went to donate plasma together. And we went to a couple concerts. For a couple days, Alecia went home to Kuna and I got rides to work with Lindsay. I told Alecia that I was getting rides with Kelsey Morgan, this other girl we work with. I knew Alecia wouldn't get jealous of Kelsey because she wasn't too attractive. Alecia was rather shallow like that.
However, everything changed on June 5th. Alecia had found out that I went to a concert with Lindsay because I left a message from Lindsay on Facebook that had details on the concert. You want to know the sad truth about this? I wanted Alecia to find out. I wanted her to see that and get mad and dump me. If I really wanted to keep it a secret, I would of deleted every bit of evidence. But I didn't. So on June 5th at approximately 11:30 am, I went to lunch. And I saw many texts from Alecia. She found the message and wanted to talk to me. So she came down to work and I told her the truth (and this is exactly what was said):
After some fighting:
Alecia: "Do you have anything else you want to say?"
Me: "I like Lindsay."
Alecia: "How much?"
Me: "Enough to want to break up with you."
And that was it. I got out of the car and tried to go back to work but I couldn't. I felt to guilty. So I went home (or at least to my former home) and tried to help pack up everything. She was livid with me. I don't blame her. What I did was awful. She yelled at me until I left. I moved back into my old place at the elms and tried to settle there, and that's the weird thing. I wasn't crying. I really didn't feel that way for her anymore. That just made me feel more guilty. She asked me to help her pay rent for one more month. I didn't mind. Convergys pays really well at least for being such a bad job. I didn't see her again for a while.
Then we fast forward to June 7th: That was when I first held Lindsay's hand. And that night, after she got off work, we kissed. I thought this was exactly what I wanted. At the time, it was. I was happy for a while. But then me and lindsay started to get closer. Wanting to hang out almost every day. And I didn't mind that. I really liked it. But I always felt like I had to do something to entertain her. Not that I wouldn't entertain her. I tried. But I didn't really have any idea what to do. I wanted to do stuff but I didn't really know what. Pocatello isn't exactly teeming with things to do. And I was happy just watching a good tv show or movie with someone who was cool to hang out with. Maybe this was my own insecurities. I felt like I was boring and needed to find some way to be not boring. She wasn't. She wanted to do things. Go outside and live. But I didn't really know what to do. That was never the case with Alecia. Things were never difficult with her and sometimes we didn't know what to do but I never felt guilty for not having any ideas. It was just easy to be with her.
Then the big issue came up. She was LDS. I wasn't. I've studied some of the beliefs and I just don't really agree with them. My big issue with Mormonism (and most religions) is that I don't know what's going to happen after we die. And I like not knowing. It means it could be anything. Anything at all. It almost makes death exciting. It's a whole new adventure (Emo, amirite?). We talked a little about this. She said she could never see herself settling down with someone who isn't mormon. Ironically this is about the only time I've cried during this whole ordeal. I felt like she was giving up on us before we had even really had a chance. In hindsight this seems like the thing I should of been least sad about.
Then came June 25th, Yesterday actually. Alecia asked me to come pay rent and grab the last couple things from her house. When I got there, my heart was pounding. I have never felt it beat so loud. I really haven't. I nearly passed out from it. And she opened the door and there was a boy there. She said he was just a friend but I didn't believe her. I paid rent and we talked for a bit. She had shaved almost all of Teke's hair off. I didn't much like that. I think he looked better with the hair. But alas, I was only there for about 5 minutes and I went on my way. And there it was. All the feelings I should of felt when we were breaking up. The sadness. I guess I never really accept we're breaking up till I see the other person move on. That's how it's always been. Jacquie was dating someone else a week after we broke up. That one hurt. A lot. Addy didn't move on for a few months. And I wasn't sad about us breaking up until I saw she had moved on. And now Alecia. She had moved on and I was sad. I didn't cry though. I wanted to but I didn't. Lindsay was coming over in a little bit. I figured she'd make me feel better. She did for a little bit. Then there was another lull in the in our conversation. I was starting to know little differences between us. She was outgoing. She was honest. Honest with everyone. I'm not honest. I lie. I lie to people. My parents. My friends. Alecia. Lindsay. Even myself. I lie to everyone. This post is the most honest thing I've done in a long time. And during that lull I started to think of everything I missed with Alecia. I think it was just because that day I was really starting to get over her. But I told Lindsay the truth. I told her I wasn't over Alecia. She didn't want to be strung along while I was thinking about some other girl, ironically what I was doing with Alecia. So we broke up. She said I should talk to Alecia about this. She thought that we should be together. And that was it. She cut me out of her life. Defriended me on Facebook. Quit texting me and quit talking to me. It's probably for the best. It's much easier to get over someone if they aren't in your life.
 So that's what I decided to do with Aleica. I told her I still liked her. I told her I was sorry for everything that happened. And I told her that I couldn't be just friends with her. I told her that if she wanted to date other people, we can't be friends because it hurt too much to see her with someone else. But if she maybe wanted to be with me, then we could. She said she wanted to date other people and that maybe someday that would change but she couldn't forgive me for now. So I cut her out of my life. Defriended her on Facebook. Quit texting her and quit talking to her. I don't know what's going to happen now. The thing that's weirdest about all of this is how little I've cried over everything. I've felt sad, guilty, and depressed, but I haven't been that sad about it all. I guess I feel oddly hopeful. I don't know what's going to happen to me next. Maybe Alecia and I will get back together (though if we did, it wouldn't be for a while. And It wouldn't been the same as before. Nothing is going to be the same). Maybe Lindsay and I will take a chance (Though I doubt that. I think she won't forgive me for this. And I read her blog post (yes, I read the post about me Linds, but I won't read any more after today (Not a guarantee)) And I don't really think we're right for each other. Nothing against her. She's great. She's a way better person than I am. And I wish there was something here, but something just feels off about us.) Or maybe I'll meet someone new. Maybe I've already met someone and I just don't even know it yet. Who knows? Anything can happen here. I guess it's all just a new adventure waiting to be had.
So why say all this where anyone can see this and know my most innermost emotions? I guess Lindsay can be thanked for that. She said people should quit being so fake. People should be more honest. Especially me. She was right. I never was honest, at least not 100 percent honest with anyone. Not even myself. And I think she's right. I've decided to quit hiding my thoughts. I'm gonna be more honest from here on out. People may like this. Others may think i'm retarded for doing this. I quit caring what people think of me. That's not entirely true. I do care. But some of you are going to not like me. There's nothing I can do about that. But those of you who do care about me, those are the people who I care about.
So now what to do with my life. Most of my friends are in other cities. I have some friends here, but outside of Ultimate, it's a little weird hanging out with them. I guess I'll write more blog posts (Don't take that as a promise that I'll write more. I might but we'll see). And I'll be home more too. I guess I can walk around a lot. I might go to the cemetery more and feed the squirrels. (<3 you Victoria) But I don't know where I'll go next. Or what I'll do next. But I'm excited to find out. Guess that's it for now. Stay sexy internet.

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