For example, my absolute favorite thing I want in life is someone I can talk to. With Jacquie, one night we talked for 4 hours on the phone, even though I had school the next day. With Addy, on the first night, we tossed a little foam ball back and for hours and we talked and talked and talked. With Alecia, one night we talked so late that we decided we had to pull an all-nighter. We went to our first class the next day and ended up sleeping the rest of the next day but I absolutely loved it. With Lindsay, I don't have an exact story, but even to this day, I truly feel that I can talk to her about anything. Any fear I have, any weak moment, or any sign of depression, I feel like I can talk to her and she'll help.
I truly hate silence. Silence is depressing and gets me stuck in my own head about everything wrong with my life. Like when Alecia would cry and I would try to comfort her. I never knew what to say so I just tried being there for her. However, far too late in the relationship I realized that actually made her feel worse.
I realized this about myself too. When I was about to move back to Boise and it was clear me and Lindsay were going to end, there was this one night. We said we were going to go dancing, but before we left she kept saying how I really didn't want to go. Then she didn't really say anything. She just left me in my own head and that drove me crazy.
Oh Lindsay, she might be the most important person in my life right now. There's a lot of things that I learned from her. Like in her blog posts, she's very honest about my faults. She never really says anything bad to my face but she'll be very honest on there and say whats wrong. I appreciate the honesty really. Sure, it sucks finding out you're not prince charming and perfect in every way, but I know this will make me a better person. Like this one post that said something along the lines of: He doesn't miss people until it's too late to miss people. God dammit she's right. Example time:
When I found out Alecia cheated on me, we didn't break up right away. We both went back to our respective parts of the Boise area and thought about what to do. I kept telling myself how much it would hurt. I kept telling myself you will miss her and want her back and you need to realize this before you actually break up with her and be truly ok with that. I couldn't do it though. I couldn't truly imagine how things were without her. I couldn't really do anything. I just let her decide. If she wanted to break up, we'd break up. If she didn't, we didn't. (Another thing I need to work on: not being so passive and deciding things for myself) So then we broke up and eventually I got back to our house in Pocatello and it hit me all at once. All her stuff was gone. She was gone. And it was too late to do shit about it. That night was one of the worst nights of my life. I tried talking to her, and at a couple points after the breakup, I tried to do little things to win Alecia back. It was too late. She's moved on.
With Lindsay, I miss her too. I really do. And I like to think she misses me. There's this weird mutual understanding between the two of us. She's not what Alecia was to me. I'm not what Chris was to her. Yet we're there for each other, to pick each other up when the other is feeling weak. That's truly something I'll appreciate forever. Yet I wait far too long to truly miss her for it to matter. I could maybe make a difference to miss her right away, but it's pointless for nostalgic-ly missing her to do anything to change our situation.
The weirdest thing about Lindsay though is that even though I truly believe she likes me and misses me, I don't think there's a person I've been worse to in my life. I broke up with Alecia to chase after her, and I don't think I ever realized the uncomfortable position that I put her in. Even though she liked me, she hid a lot of fears from me that I only learned about by reading her blog posts later. I then confirmed those fears by breaking up with her to get back together with Alecia. Later I started a relationship with her again, fully intending to end it when I moved back to Boise.
Lindsay, if you're reading this, and I like to imagine that sometimes you do read this, I'm sorry. I'm realizing that so much of the way I used you was selfish. There's so much I have done that's been unfair to you and you deserve so much better. I mean it when I say you are one of the most wonderful incredible human beings I've ever known. I hope that no matter what happens in our lives, we continue to be friends and you continue to make me a better person.
I guess I better apologize to everyone else too.
Alecia, it still hurts what you did, but I know that this wasn't just your fault that we ended. It's my fault too. I could of been better and we could of worked on our relationship better. Please know that I will always love you. You were there for me at my weakest. I had not been in a relationship for more than a couple months and you taught me not to be afraid of commitment. I know it's still sometimes scary to completely give yourself to another person, but you did to me. Because of you, someday I'll be able to truly give myself to another person. Thank you for that Alecia.
Addy, you were there for me no matter what, up until the point where I literally wouldn't talk to you. Even when I broke up with you and started dating other people, you wanted to be friends, and I threw that away. I'm sorry. I hope someday we can be friends again. I like to think it'll go better this time.
Jacquie, I was young and knew absolutely nothing about relationships. Yet you took a chance on a naive little nerd. You taught me so much and made me so happy. I know so little about your life now even though I think we're still friends. I hope you've found happiness now. I hope things are going well in Montana and that someday we may talk again.
So, I'm not really sure what to do now except keep learning. At the beginning I talked about another girl. Her name is Meghan. I just found out she's in a relationship now. Though something tells me this one won't last terribly long. She seems to have plans to see the world and explore and I think she wants to be single when she does. However, I could be completely wrong. She might of found the one and is happy and content in life. I'm realizing more and more that I suck at reading people so I haven't got a clue. But I hope to learn and I hope to grow. Most of all, I want to be a better person. I always want to be a better person than I was yesterday and I feel like I don't deserve the love I'm looking for until I become that better person. So it's up to me to earn that love.