Oh Switzerland, You've taken away my breath now once again, You left me with a sense of compassion, for the ones who can't pick themselves up off the ground

A few months ago there was a girl. She had recently got out of a very long relationship, much like myself. She had this rule for herself that she wasn't going to get into a relationship for at least a year because she needed to figure out what she was looking for in life. She also encouraged me to do the same. To not jump into a relationship in order to figure out who I am and what I'm looking for in a companion. That's what I've been trying to do with my life lately. I really think I've learned a lot about what I want.

For example, my absolute favorite thing I want in life is someone I can talk to. With Jacquie, one night we talked for 4 hours on the phone, even though I had school the next day. With Addy, on the first night, we tossed a little foam ball back and for hours and we talked and talked and talked. With Alecia, one night we talked so late that we decided we had to pull an all-nighter. We went to our first class the next day and ended up sleeping the rest of the next day but I absolutely loved it. With Lindsay, I don't have an exact story, but even to this day, I truly feel that I can talk to her about anything. Any fear I have, any weak moment, or any sign of depression, I feel like I can talk to her and she'll help.

I truly hate silence. Silence is depressing and gets me stuck in my own head about everything wrong with my life. Like when Alecia would cry and I would try to comfort her. I never knew what to say so I just tried being there for her. However, far too late in the relationship I realized that actually made her feel worse.

I realized this about myself too. When I was about to move back to Boise and it was clear me and Lindsay were going to end, there was this one night. We said we were going to go dancing, but before we left she kept saying how I really didn't want to go. Then she didn't really say anything. She just left me in my own head and that drove me crazy.

Oh Lindsay, she might be the most important person in my life right now. There's a lot of things that I learned from her. Like in her blog posts, she's very honest about my faults. She never really says anything bad to my face but she'll be very honest on there and say whats wrong. I appreciate the honesty really. Sure, it sucks finding out you're not prince charming and perfect in every way, but I know this will make me a better person. Like this one post that said something along the lines of: He doesn't miss people until it's too late to miss people. God dammit she's right. Example time:

When I found out Alecia cheated on me, we didn't break up right away. We both went back to our respective parts of the Boise area and thought about what to do. I kept telling myself how much it would hurt. I kept telling myself you will miss her and want her back and you need to realize this before you actually break up with her and be truly ok with that. I couldn't do it though. I couldn't truly imagine how things were without her. I couldn't really do anything. I just let her decide. If she wanted to break up, we'd break up. If she didn't, we didn't. (Another thing I need to work on: not being so passive and deciding things for myself) So then we broke up and eventually I got back to our house in Pocatello and it hit me all at once. All her stuff was gone. She was gone. And it was too late to do shit about it. That night was one of the worst nights of my life. I tried talking to her, and at a couple points after the breakup, I tried to do little things to win Alecia back. It was too late. She's moved on.

With Lindsay, I miss her too. I really do. And I like to think she misses me. There's this weird mutual understanding between the two of us. She's not what Alecia was to me. I'm not what Chris was to her. Yet we're there for each other, to pick each other up when the other is feeling weak. That's truly something I'll appreciate forever. Yet I wait far too long to truly miss her for it to matter. I could maybe make a difference to miss her right away, but it's pointless for nostalgic-ly missing her to do anything to change our situation.

The weirdest thing about Lindsay though is that even though I truly believe she likes me and misses me, I don't think there's a person I've been worse to in my life. I broke up with Alecia to chase after her, and I don't think I ever realized the uncomfortable position that I put her in. Even though she liked me, she hid a lot of fears from me that I only learned about by reading her blog posts later. I then confirmed those fears by breaking up with her to get back together with Alecia. Later I started a relationship with her again, fully intending to end it when I moved back to Boise.

Lindsay, if you're reading this, and I like to imagine that sometimes you do read this, I'm sorry. I'm realizing that so much of the way I used you was selfish. There's so much I have done that's been unfair to you and you deserve so much better. I mean it when I say you are one of the most wonderful incredible human beings I've ever known. I hope that no matter what happens in our lives, we continue to be friends and you continue to make me a better person.

I guess I better apologize to everyone else too.

Alecia, it still hurts what you did, but I know that this wasn't just your fault that we ended. It's my fault too. I could of been better and we could of worked on our relationship better. Please know that I will always love you. You were there for me at my weakest. I had not been in a relationship for more than a couple months and you taught me not to be afraid of commitment. I know it's still sometimes scary to completely give yourself to another person, but you did to me. Because of you, someday I'll be able to truly give myself to another person. Thank you for that Alecia.

Addy, you were there for me no matter what, up until the point where I literally wouldn't talk to you. Even when I broke up with you and started dating other people, you wanted to be friends, and I threw that away. I'm sorry. I hope someday we can be friends again. I like to think it'll go better this time.

Jacquie, I was young and knew absolutely nothing about relationships. Yet you took a chance on a naive little nerd. You taught me so much and made me so happy. I know so little about your life now even though I think we're still friends. I hope you've found happiness now. I hope things are going well in Montana and that someday we may talk again.

So, I'm not really sure what to do now except keep learning. At the beginning I talked about another girl. Her name is Meghan. I just found out she's in a relationship now. Though something tells me this one won't last terribly long. She seems to have plans to see the world and explore and I think she wants to be single when she does. However, I could be completely wrong. She might of found the one and is happy and content in life. I'm realizing more and more that I suck at reading people so I haven't got a clue. But I hope to learn and I hope to grow. Most of all, I want to be a better person. I always want to be a better person than I was yesterday and I feel like I don't deserve the love I'm looking for until I become that better person. So it's up to me to earn that love.

We Change, More Than We Will Ever Know

It's so crazy to think about how much life has changed for me. How just a few months ago I thought I had my whole life figured out. Now? I'm back at square one. I've moved back to my home city. I'm living at home for now but should be getting a place with Sean next week. I'm single, technically but I'll get into that later. I'm still an accounting major but I'm not sure if I want to do that. I was sorta jobless for a while but I finally got a job at Walgreens thanks to Marcus (who I seriously am so grateful for). I guess I'm trying to start over with my life.

I'm really bad at thinking of proper segways but the point of this blogpost was going to be to look back at (most) of my relationships to figure out what I'm really looking for. Because out of all the things in my life, my jobs, my friends, my family, my schooling, nothing effects 22 year old Tim (and probably a lot of other 22 year olds) as much as my relationships.

Jacquie: My first girlfriend. I'm not quite sure how to say it but she affected me more than anyone else. Mostly because she was the first. She's the reason I almost always say "I love you" way to soon (because she said it to me after the first date, and I, being a confused teenager, figured this is the time to say it back), she's the reason I tend to get back with a lot of my exes, (because we broke up and got back together 6 times), and she's the reason I suck at getting over people (because we got back together so many times, I didn't accept things were over til I saw her with someone else).

I've spent a lot of time hung up on her, well after we finally, finally broke up, but I finally was ok with it being over when we stopped talking, which was about 2 years ago. It wasn't like we had some grand fight and quit talking. I can't recall anything major actually happening. It seems we just drifted apart. I like to imagine now that if she wanted to be friends again, I could be ok with being just friends, but I'm probably just lying to myself because I don't know any better.

But I think the real reason we didn't work was because she just didn't feel for me how I felt for her. I was absolutely crazy about her, but I don't think she was really that crazy about me. She liked me, she really did, but I don't think she really loved me.

Addy: Out of all the girls in my life, I probably feel worst about how things went and ended with Addy. She was sweet. She was funny. And most of all, I think she really really loved me, but if there's something I truly know about love it's this: Distance kills relationships. It murders it. It will take love and twist it into a deranged sad shell of its former self. We only lived 3 hours apart, but we were high school kids. We had no means to constantly visit each other. Just when we could convince our parents to meet up.

When our senior year was coming to a close we discussed a possibility of both of us attending BSU in the fall and trying to make a real relationship work, but she really wanted to go to C of I, and I wanted to go to ISU. I think about this decision every now and then and honestly, I'm glad we went to our respective schools. I hate to say it, but I don't think we would of worked and we would of eventually resented each other for attending a school we didn't want to go to (ironic because now I'm going to BSU) and our relationship would of ended poorly.

Well, that's not to say our relationship didn't end poorly. It did. Not because of her (Well, maybe a little because of her, but mostly because of me and Alecia). She really wanted to be friends after we broke up (oh, and we broke up because I hated distance and I didn't want to do it anymore), and I tried to be friends for a long time. Then she started seeing someone else, and I realized I wasn't over her really (Jacquie shining through me again). However, I did get over her after that, at least I think I did, but then I started dating Alecia and she felt like I wasn't over Addy, mostly because of the night I found out Addy moved on and I cried into Alecia's shoulder (Well before me and Alecia started dating though). After that, she really didn't trust that we were just friends. Then there was the time Addy got drunk and sent me a long facebook message. Alecia hated that. It's not like Alecia told me to stop talking to her, but when I stopped messaging Addy, Alecia and I got along much better. So I just stopped replying to her messages. Eventually, she stopped trying to talk to me. She eventually defriended me on Facebook and she's moving on with her life.

Honestly, and I feel terrible saying this, but the reason we never worked out was because I didn't really love her. When we dated I was still super hung up on Jacquie. I even dumped her once because I had a chance with Jacquie, but eventually we got back together. She really is a fantastic person and I stop by her facebook page every once in a while to see how she's doing. I do wish her the best because I think she'll have a great life.

Alecia: Oh Alecia. I'm not truly ready to go in depth about this relationship, but I will say a few things. I've been looking back, and realizing how things had been going poorly well before they ended. I've been trying to focus on not only what went wrong between us, but also, what am I really looking for in a wife, and how I can be a good boyfriend and husband. I know I did a lot of things wrong now and I'm going to try to be a better person because of it.

Lindsay: While Jacquie affected how I handle relationships and breakups, I think Lindsay may have affected my personality more than anyone else in my life. She's the reason I listen to much more underground music. She's the reason I'm a much weirder person than I was as a teenager. She's the reason I skip and dance so much in public. I don't think I ever told her this but the reason I skipped all the time at Convergys was because of her. I was never that kind of person before. I was just so happy around her, it made me want to skip and dance and be happier. Now, I dance and skip all the time. In my car, at work, even just walking around. I skip and dance my heart out, even though I'm bad at it. I don't care. I'm just happy.

So why didn't we work out? Well, I loved her and I think she loved me. She's an incredible and wonderful person that I like to imagine I would of enjoyed spending the rest of my life with, but the truth is that we never would of actually worked. I was still hung up on Alecia both times we dated (Jacquie shining though me again), and I think she was still hung up on Chris both times too. But even more than that, there was the one glaring thing that was always between us, religion. She was LDS and I wasn't. She was very devoted in her faith and I was never going to truly believe in it. I thought about faking it for her but she didn't really want that. She wants someone who truly believes in that. And  I hope she finds him. Also, now that I've moved to Boise, we have 3 and a half hours between us. Once again, distance absolutely murders relationships. I could of stayed in Pocatello but right now there are too many painful memories there. Too many things there reminds me of Aleica.

Weirdly enough though, she's the one ex who I would say is actually my friend. It's still a little awkward between us but I'm really glad she's my friend. She's an amazing person. The other weird thing with her is that although we had a fling two years ago, and a fling a couple months ago, we never actually truly were in a relationship. The first time I think it was because she wasn't comfortable dating me for awhile and I ended it before she could get comfortable. This last time? It was because we both knew it would end as soon as I went to Boise.

Meghan: Meghan is a very interesting case. I've had a crush on her in 8th grade. We were on the track team together back then and went on runs together, but I was 13. I barely knew how to talk to girls. I didn't have a clue how to ask them out. Then we drifted apart in high school. We didn't have any classes together and we weren't that great of friends. So we went our separate ways. Then late in senior year we started becoming friends again. She wrote her number in my yearbook and said we should go on a run together sometime. This girl doesn't know how much she saved me. Pretty soon into the summer, well after me and Addy had broken up, I was up at my cabin with my parents. I was still missing Jacquie a lot and was about to have a breakdown over her, when I realized I should try to go after Meghan again. So I texted her and said we should go for a run sometime and she said she loved to. I focused on trying to get her for a lot of the remaining summer.

However, I was 18, and I was still quite awful and asking girls out and picking up on signals. I remember 2 moments from that summer in particular. Once, Matt said he wanted to go on a double date with Kayla and me and another girl. I immediately thought to ask her. However, Matt only gave me a days notice, so I had no time to prepare. I asked her but she already had plans so I had to go with someone else. I wish it could of worked but sadly it didn't. The other moment from that summer, and I still hate myself sometimes for missing this moment, was the day she took me horseback riding. She absolutely loves horses and took me to ride her horse because I had never been horseback riding. Anyways, we were cleaning her horse and a song came on over the radio in the barn. She said, "Oh I love this song! It's a great dancing song." I nodded along and said it was a good song. It still slays me to this day that I DIDN'T TAKE HER BY THE HAND AND TRY TO DANCE WITH HER RIGHT THERE. I mean, that is romantic comedy 101 right there and I missed it. Even if you're bad at dancing she still appreciates the gesture. I was 18 still, I didn't know what I was doing.

Now? I'm 22 and much smarter about talking to women (Still stupid overall but smarter than before). We haven't really talked too much over the last 4 years but I reached out to her because I needed someone to look after Teke while I went out of town for work. She couldn't do it but we became friends again. And after a game of ultimate fell through and some ice cream. I couldn't miss out on another chance with this girl. This girl I've liked for almost a decade now. So I asked her out on a real date and she said yes. And now? Well, I really like her.

However, I'm so unsure of myself with Meghan. I think she's cool, I think she's fun, I think she's beautiful, and I really really like her. Yet, I'm not sure I am what she's looking for in life. However, for the first time since me and Alecia ended, I starting to feel more normal again. Ever since me and Alecia ended, I've been feeling... Out of place, if that makes sense. Like, when I'm with my family or my friends, I feel like I don't really belong, even though I love my family and my friends, I just feel like this should all be happening without me. Like I'm just not supposed to be there. Even with Lindsay, I didn't feel quite right, but I think that was because we both knew that the fling would end soon. But with Meghan, I feel like I fit in, like we fit together. So I really hope she likes me back.

And now I guess I try to take all that has happened to me, and all that I've done to these people, and make myself a better person for the future.

This House

I hate this stupid house. I hate how empty it feels. I hate that everything is gone, all the stuff I thought you'd take, and all the things I forgot were yours. I hate how everything here reminds me that you're not here. I can't stand being in this house. I want to leave right fucking now and go anywhere else.

I hate that in the week you were back, it didn't really seem like you were back. You were not the same. You didn't really miss me. You didn't really want to spend time with me. You weren't really there.

I hate that whenever I think I about forgiving you, all I can see is you making out with that guy. I hate that I couldn't even look you in the face when you left for the last time. I hate that you didn't tell me. I hate that I had to find out through messages. I hate that when I confronted you about it, you didn't seem as broken up as you should be. Hell, I remember how you felt when you accidentally kissed Liam. You were terrified, and distraught. This time, you didn't seem near as bad.

I hate that the way we broke up reminds me so much of how we broke up the first time. How we left the other person alone in the house with teke. How we cheated on each other.The way you were talking to Javier reminded me so much of how I talked with Lindsay. The way you've fallen for him like I fell for her. I remember reading through some messages of yours from when I broke up with you. Specifically one where you messaged that old co worker of yours. You were in hell, kinda like I feel now. It's so fucking awful. I guess this is my poetic justice.

I hate that through all the similarities of our two break ups, there is one glaring difference. It's that I don't think you will ever truly want me back. All I can remember is that with time, you were able to get over Juston alright. And I know it won't be near as easy, but I think you'll get over me to. You'll truly be ok not being with me. I know I've never truly gotten over any girl I've dated but I can accept the rest of them not being with me, but with you... I don't think there will ever be a point I'm ok with this. I hate that if you ever wanted me back, like I wanted you back before, it'd probably be pretty easy for you to get me.

And the thing I truly hate the most. The thing that haunts me, that makes this whole essay feel pointless, that makes me feel pointless, is that....

You're right.

We probably aren't meant for each other.