Friday, August 15, 2014

We Change, More Than We Will Ever Know

It's so crazy to think about how much life has changed for me. How just a few months ago I thought I had my whole life figured out. Now? I'm back at square one. I've moved back to my home city. I'm living at home for now but should be getting a place with Sean next week. I'm single, technically but I'll get into that later. I'm still an accounting major but I'm not sure if I want to do that. I was sorta jobless for a while but I finally got a job at Walgreens thanks to Marcus (who I seriously am so grateful for). I guess I'm trying to start over with my life.

I'm really bad at thinking of proper segways but the point of this blogpost was going to be to look back at (most) of my relationships to figure out what I'm really looking for. Because out of all the things in my life, my jobs, my friends, my family, my schooling, nothing effects 22 year old Tim (and probably a lot of other 22 year olds) as much as my relationships.

Jacquie: My first girlfriend. I'm not quite sure how to say it but she affected me more than anyone else. Mostly because she was the first. She's the reason I almost always say "I love you" way to soon (because she said it to me after the first date, and I, being a confused teenager, figured this is the time to say it back), she's the reason I tend to get back with a lot of my exes, (because we broke up and got back together 6 times), and she's the reason I suck at getting over people (because we got back together so many times, I didn't accept things were over til I saw her with someone else).

I've spent a lot of time hung up on her, well after we finally, finally broke up, but I finally was ok with it being over when we stopped talking, which was about 2 years ago. It wasn't like we had some grand fight and quit talking. I can't recall anything major actually happening. It seems we just drifted apart. I like to imagine now that if she wanted to be friends again, I could be ok with being just friends, but I'm probably just lying to myself because I don't know any better.

But I think the real reason we didn't work was because she just didn't feel for me how I felt for her. I was absolutely crazy about her, but I don't think she was really that crazy about me. She liked me, she really did, but I don't think she really loved me.

Addy: Out of all the girls in my life, I probably feel worst about how things went and ended with Addy. She was sweet. She was funny. And most of all, I think she really really loved me, but if there's something I truly know about love it's this: Distance kills relationships. It murders it. It will take love and twist it into a deranged sad shell of its former self. We only lived 3 hours apart, but we were high school kids. We had no means to constantly visit each other. Just when we could convince our parents to meet up.

When our senior year was coming to a close we discussed a possibility of both of us attending BSU in the fall and trying to make a real relationship work, but she really wanted to go to C of I, and I wanted to go to ISU. I think about this decision every now and then and honestly, I'm glad we went to our respective schools. I hate to say it, but I don't think we would of worked and we would of eventually resented each other for attending a school we didn't want to go to (ironic because now I'm going to BSU) and our relationship would of ended poorly.

Well, that's not to say our relationship didn't end poorly. It did. Not because of her (Well, maybe a little because of her, but mostly because of me and Alecia). She really wanted to be friends after we broke up (oh, and we broke up because I hated distance and I didn't want to do it anymore), and I tried to be friends for a long time. Then she started seeing someone else, and I realized I wasn't over her really (Jacquie shining through me again). However, I did get over her after that, at least I think I did, but then I started dating Alecia and she felt like I wasn't over Addy, mostly because of the night I found out Addy moved on and I cried into Alecia's shoulder (Well before me and Alecia started dating though). After that, she really didn't trust that we were just friends. Then there was the time Addy got drunk and sent me a long facebook message. Alecia hated that. It's not like Alecia told me to stop talking to her, but when I stopped messaging Addy, Alecia and I got along much better. So I just stopped replying to her messages. Eventually, she stopped trying to talk to me. She eventually defriended me on Facebook and she's moving on with her life.

Honestly, and I feel terrible saying this, but the reason we never worked out was because I didn't really love her. When we dated I was still super hung up on Jacquie. I even dumped her once because I had a chance with Jacquie, but eventually we got back together. She really is a fantastic person and I stop by her facebook page every once in a while to see how she's doing. I do wish her the best because I think she'll have a great life.

Alecia: Oh Alecia. I'm not truly ready to go in depth about this relationship, but I will say a few things. I've been looking back, and realizing how things had been going poorly well before they ended. I've been trying to focus on not only what went wrong between us, but also, what am I really looking for in a wife, and how I can be a good boyfriend and husband. I know I did a lot of things wrong now and I'm going to try to be a better person because of it.

Lindsay: While Jacquie affected how I handle relationships and breakups, I think Lindsay may have affected my personality more than anyone else in my life. She's the reason I listen to much more underground music. She's the reason I'm a much weirder person than I was as a teenager. She's the reason I skip and dance so much in public. I don't think I ever told her this but the reason I skipped all the time at Convergys was because of her. I was never that kind of person before. I was just so happy around her, it made me want to skip and dance and be happier. Now, I dance and skip all the time. In my car, at work, even just walking around. I skip and dance my heart out, even though I'm bad at it. I don't care. I'm just happy.

So why didn't we work out? Well, I loved her and I think she loved me. She's an incredible and wonderful person that I like to imagine I would of enjoyed spending the rest of my life with, but the truth is that we never would of actually worked. I was still hung up on Alecia both times we dated (Jacquie shining though me again), and I think she was still hung up on Chris both times too. But even more than that, there was the one glaring thing that was always between us, religion. She was LDS and I wasn't. She was very devoted in her faith and I was never going to truly believe in it. I thought about faking it for her but she didn't really want that. She wants someone who truly believes in that. And  I hope she finds him. Also, now that I've moved to Boise, we have 3 and a half hours between us. Once again, distance absolutely murders relationships. I could of stayed in Pocatello but right now there are too many painful memories there. Too many things there reminds me of Aleica.

Weirdly enough though, she's the one ex who I would say is actually my friend. It's still a little awkward between us but I'm really glad she's my friend. She's an amazing person. The other weird thing with her is that although we had a fling two years ago, and a fling a couple months ago, we never actually truly were in a relationship. The first time I think it was because she wasn't comfortable dating me for awhile and I ended it before she could get comfortable. This last time? It was because we both knew it would end as soon as I went to Boise.

Meghan: Meghan is a very interesting case. I've had a crush on her in 8th grade. We were on the track team together back then and went on runs together, but I was 13. I barely knew how to talk to girls. I didn't have a clue how to ask them out. Then we drifted apart in high school. We didn't have any classes together and we weren't that great of friends. So we went our separate ways. Then late in senior year we started becoming friends again. She wrote her number in my yearbook and said we should go on a run together sometime. This girl doesn't know how much she saved me. Pretty soon into the summer, well after me and Addy had broken up, I was up at my cabin with my parents. I was still missing Jacquie a lot and was about to have a breakdown over her, when I realized I should try to go after Meghan again. So I texted her and said we should go for a run sometime and she said she loved to. I focused on trying to get her for a lot of the remaining summer.

However, I was 18, and I was still quite awful and asking girls out and picking up on signals. I remember 2 moments from that summer in particular. Once, Matt said he wanted to go on a double date with Kayla and me and another girl. I immediately thought to ask her. However, Matt only gave me a days notice, so I had no time to prepare. I asked her but she already had plans so I had to go with someone else. I wish it could of worked but sadly it didn't. The other moment from that summer, and I still hate myself sometimes for missing this moment, was the day she took me horseback riding. She absolutely loves horses and took me to ride her horse because I had never been horseback riding. Anyways, we were cleaning her horse and a song came on over the radio in the barn. She said, "Oh I love this song! It's a great dancing song." I nodded along and said it was a good song. It still slays me to this day that I DIDN'T TAKE HER BY THE HAND AND TRY TO DANCE WITH HER RIGHT THERE. I mean, that is romantic comedy 101 right there and I missed it. Even if you're bad at dancing she still appreciates the gesture. I was 18 still, I didn't know what I was doing.

Now? I'm 22 and much smarter about talking to women (Still stupid overall but smarter than before). We haven't really talked too much over the last 4 years but I reached out to her because I needed someone to look after Teke while I went out of town for work. She couldn't do it but we became friends again. And after a game of ultimate fell through and some ice cream. I couldn't miss out on another chance with this girl. This girl I've liked for almost a decade now. So I asked her out on a real date and she said yes. And now? Well, I really like her.

However, I'm so unsure of myself with Meghan. I think she's cool, I think she's fun, I think she's beautiful, and I really really like her. Yet, I'm not sure I am what she's looking for in life. However, for the first time since me and Alecia ended, I starting to feel more normal again. Ever since me and Alecia ended, I've been feeling... Out of place, if that makes sense. Like, when I'm with my family or my friends, I feel like I don't really belong, even though I love my family and my friends, I just feel like this should all be happening without me. Like I'm just not supposed to be there. Even with Lindsay, I didn't feel quite right, but I think that was because we both knew that the fling would end soon. But with Meghan, I feel like I fit in, like we fit together. So I really hope she likes me back.

And now I guess I try to take all that has happened to me, and all that I've done to these people, and make myself a better person for the future.