2014: A Review: Part 2: Sleep is the real enemy

Ok, I can't sleep, so where were we?

July 2014

This is starting over. I moved back into my parents house. I was pretty depressed most of the time. Fortunately for me, Sean got me a job with Neil making the tracks around football fields. This job was pretty good for me. It got me out of the house, and spending time with neil and sean so I didn't spend as much time hung up on Alecia. For a short period this was fine.

Cool Kids - Echosmith
Forest Whitaker - Bad Books
Fader - The Temper Trap

Then there was the second bad day (out of roughly 5 bad days this year, the first of which was the day I got back to the home in Poky after Alecia left.) We had just finished another day of work, and me and sean bought this cool Taco Bell sign that we were gonna hang in our apartment. I was feeling pretty good... until we got back to the hotel.

First, Alecia was frustrated with our old roommates not paying their bills on our house that our names were (unfortunately) still on. Then, the people Teke were staying with said that Teke couldn't stay with them anymore because he wasn't getting along with their dog. Last, and worst of all, I found out Lindsay had gotten in a serious car accident... Her friend told me she was fine, only some bumps and bruises, but it was still terrifying. What if she had died? She'd be gone... and believe me, I'd be completely lost right now in this moment if it wasn't for her. She's always there to listen to me when I'm on the verge of breakdown. Even though we aren't together, I always feel so safe talking to her about my issues.

Anyways, I talked to Neil after this and told him I couldn't work much longer because I needed to be around Teke. So I applied at the Walgreens that Marcus works at. I started a job there soon after that. I sent Lindsay some get well gifts, and things worked out with the ex roommates.

It was around this time that I started talking to Meghan again. I had tried to set up a game of ultimate, which just happened to be our favorite sport. However, the person who promised people there didn't deliver, so it was just me, her, her sister, and about 5 of her friends. It wasn't much of a game, so we went to get some ice cream instead. I'm not too sure how this happened, but it ended up being just me, my friend Jordan, Meghan, and Meghan's sister, Angie. Angie and Jordan were already kinda friends from ISU so it sorta turned into this double date. Anyways, at the end of the night, I got the courage to ask her out on real date, and she said yes. So began my second summer romance.

Over & Over - Smallpooks
Lost in My Mind - The Head and the Heart
Baby, It's Fact - Hellogoodbye

August 2014

While I do genuinely believe that she liked me, and possibly may still like me on this day, things don't always just work out that way. So we had our summer fling and I honestly thought things were going well, and I bet she did too, but she was going back to U of I for her last semester. She told me numerous times that she wasn't looking for a serious relationship, and I respected that, but deep down I knew that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted a relationship. Anyways she went back to U of I, and deep down I held onto this hope that we would get back together when she got back.

A couple other days of interest from the month:

The day I started at Walgreens: This day was important because I met another girl, Bree, who's part in this story doesn't come up until later.

The day I contemplated suicide: Ok, I knew I wasn't actually going to do it. Suicide is such a selfish thing to do, but this day was an extremely awful day (Bad day number 3 (out of 5ish))

Around this time, me and Sean were searching for an apartment together. We had picked a place but it wasn't pet friendly. So we decided we were going to sneak Teke in. We put down the deposit, but we soon read the rules and I felt like I didn't want to risk bringing Teke. This lead to us not getting our deposit back... It was a long and frustrating day, but it wasn't compounded by the fact that Alecia got a new boyfriend...

A little tidbit about myself: I don't really accept things are over with a girl until she moves on. I can lie to you and myself all I want, but I know deep down a decent part of me still wanted her back, cheating and all. Hell, even today some part of me wants her back, even if my better judgement says I shouldn't, I think I was happiest with her.

Sean was understanding about my predicament and didn't make too much of a big deal about losing that deposit.

Anyways, the reason I say this was the day I contemplated suicide is because I actually ended up calling the suicide hotline. I just wanted someone new to talk to about it. They didn't really give me much help though. They kinda asked the questions I expected them to ask. Do you think you'll actually commit suicide? Do you need counseling? The truth was I just wanted to feel like I was having a conversation with someone. Not just answering questions about my sanity.

The World at Large - Modest Mouse
The First Single (You know me) - The Format
Riptide - Vance Joy
Tessellate - Tokyo Police Club

Anyways, I got through those bad days. Bad days don't just get better instantly. It something you have to suffer through. They often linger for a couple days afterwards. Eventually though, you survive.

September, 2014

And you move on. So the new school year started. At first, I was full of hope and excitement. I was gonna get good grades. I was gonna make new friends. I was gonna be so good at getting girls. Life has an interesting way of humbling you.  I ended up not really putting myself out there for most of my classes. I turned into another face in the crowd. I did join the Ultimate team at least. I met some new people through them but considering that a fair amount of the team is into certain drugs, and I, being a goodie two shoe, am not into certain drugs, I didn't make an amazing connection with them. Not that I don't like them or anything, it just feels like I'm one of the more forgettable members of the team.

So, when the semester started Meghan told me to see other people. Not that she wasn't into me, again, I still believe she was, but she was always going to remain single. However, I didn't really put myself out there, so I didn't ask anyone out. I kept holding onto the fact that Meghan and I would get together when she got back. Of course, as most of you have probably noticed by now, we aren't.

Chasin Honey - Wild Party
Mr. Pitiful - Matt Costa

October, 2014

I found a weekend where I had a couple days off of work. I talked to Meghan and U of I was hosting a costume tournament. So we set up plans for me to come up. For about the first twenty four hours of the trip, things went well. I hung out with her roommates and her. I played ultimate. I had brought Teke. Everyone, and I mean every single person ever, loves Teke. So naturally, Teke's owner was pretty popular.

However, it was around 4 pm on Saturday where things went wrong. (Bad day number 4) I started getting stuck in my own head... I think those of you who are reading this know about these things. Those days where you're stuck on such a shitty thought that you can't get off of? Yeah, I had one of those days. This though was, I'm just going to wait until Meghan moves back and I'll just date her then. However, she didn't really want that. She told me not to get out there and meet other people. If we both happen to be single when she moves back to Boise, then maybe it'll be fate. But don't expect that. Besides, she said she might want to travel the world. Move to San Fransisco or New York or Europe or something. She might just want to be single when that happens. Then she asked me what the problem really was. I realized I had put all my efforts into her. I guess in a weird way, this was her breaking up with me. I didn't realize this at the time, but I think she already knew she wasn't going to date me. She already had someone else she wanted to be with.

So I spent the next several hours (5 pm to 3 am) trying to sleep with little success. Meghan told me that sleep would help. She was right, but getting to sleep was so difficult (much like it is tonight). However, when I woke up the next morning, I started feeling better. Me and Meghan talked more, and I decided I needed to move on from Meghan.

Remember me briefly mentioning Bree? Well here's a little background on her. When I met her, she was engaged, however, her fiance cheated on her, and she subsequently broke up with him. (Sounds sorta familiar doesn't it?) Anyways, with our odd connection, I decided I should ask her out. It took about a 6 hour drive down from Moscow with me constantly telling myself, "You're going to ask out Bree. You're going to ask out Bree."

Eventually, I got to Walgreens, went up to her, and as soon as I got there, I just walked up to her and asked her out. She said yes. I was very happy for the next few days.

It's Nice to be Alive - Ball Park Music
I Wanna Get Better - Bleachers
Something to Do - HelloGoodbye
Changing of The Seasons - Two Door Cinema Club
Lady of Late - Priory

I think I'm tired enough to go to bed now, so I'll finish up the year next time, I promise.

2014: A Review: Part 1: Love is a cruel mistress, but I still love love.

What a weird year 2014 was. I've been thinking a lot about this past year lately, as this seems the appropriate time to do so. It feels like this year I failed. A year ago today, I was engaged, I had my life figured out, and it seemed I knew what I was doing. Now? Well, I'm lost. I'm not sure what I'm doing really. I'm depressed honestly, but I think I've become a better person because of it. So lets take a moment to review my year. Alongside this, I'll list the songs I most enjoyed and defined myself during that time of the year.

Winter:

Things seemed simple for me at the time. I was engaged. I played video games. I went to school. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. The exception being Lindsay. I knew Alecia wouldn't be happy when she found out, but I was still having occasional conversations with her. Never meeting with her or anything more than that, but simply talking. Of course Alecia couldn't trust me. She has trust issues that I believe go back to her first boyfriend, who cheated on her with one of her best friends. Of course, I didn't help these when I left her to pursue Lindsay. Even after I came back to her, she still struggled to trust me fully. I don't think I deserved that trust really. I don't know if there will ever be a time in my life where I don't want Lindsay to at least be my friend. I don't think Alecia would of ever been ok with that. I like to think me and Lindsay are just friends, but she always does linger in the back of my mind. She knows this but this is further down in the story.

Clean Light - The Mowgli's
Say it, Just Say it - The Mowgli's
The Way We Get By - Spoon
St Croix - Family of the Year

Anyways, this continues until one eventful March night. She discovers I have a second twitter page. Actually that page was a cover for my first twitter page to hide the fact that I still use the first twitter page. I could of continued the lie if I wanted to but I wanted to end it. So I told her about the first twitter page and that I was still talking to Lindsay. She cried in the living room for what felt like hours, until she asked me to come out. I was ready for it to end that night.

But it didn't.

We talked, and I remember being really shocked about one thing in particular. She gave the ultimatium: Alecia or Lindsay. I told her the truth. At the time, it was Alecia. But I told her she still lingered in my mind. That I still wanted her as a friend. She didn't seem to care about the second part so much as the first one which actually frustrated me for a while. However this lead to what I consider one of Alecia's greatest moments of growth I ever did see.

A couple days after this fight, we talk about it again. She tries to accept that we are friends and allows this to happen with one rule, she wants to be friends with her too. For a while this seems to be working and I have hope that this can work. I can be in a relationship with Alecia while being friends with Lindsay. However, for those of you who know me, or even read my blog occasionally, you know how this ends.

May:

Alecia graduates and I'm happy for her. We start talking about possibly moving back to Boise. I know she wants to move back closer to her family and I know Sean and possibly Jared are going to attend BSU so I think we would both be happier there. I applied to BSU and I thought Alecia would be really happy about moving away from Lindsay, making it harder for us to be friends. Then she goes to Mexico. As a graduation present from her grandparents, she visits her grandparent's friends for a week in Mexico. There she meets Javier...

It's my fault too. I knew it was tough for her being away from me with the possibility of me meeting up with Lindsay and her having no way of knowing. I could of messaged her more. I could of told her I missed her and I loved her more. There was a two day period when I didn't message her at all. For those of you who know me well (Sean in particular), you know I'm not very good at messaging. Just confirming and talking to people I forget to do too often. Anyways, that's when it happened. She cheated.

I didn't know yet. So when she came back to Pocatello, I was still very happy to see her. However, she wasn't terribly excited to see me. In previous cases when we had been apart for a long period of time, she was very happy to see me, but it could tell it wasn't right this time. Something was wrong. I wasn't sure of what until one fateful Friday. I was taking a nap and when I woke up, I wanted to watch some videos on my computer. At the time, my laptop's monitor was breaking. So I decided to use Alecia. When I opened it, facebook was open with two message conversations going. One was with Hailey, her best friend. The other was with Javier... You could tell a lot about the way they were talking that it was clear they weren't just friends. But I had to look at Hailey's messages to be sure. A little ways up the page you could see it.

"And I maaayyy have made out with a guy"

I looked at more of her messages. It wasn't remorse or guilt she felt. She was fine. She had just assumed that I cheated and that we had ended. I confronted her when she got home later. She didn't feel true remorse. I recall an incident about a year earlier when she told me she had accidently kissed Liam. She was so scared that we would end. She cried and struggled for a few days but I believed her when she said it was an accident. This time, she wasn't really sorry. She had accepted that it was the end.

Though we didn't end it right there. We both decided to go back to Boise and think about this.

Marlaina Kamikaze - The Zolas
The Great Collapse - The Zolas
Coney Island - Good Old War
Crystal Vases - The Last Royals
Butch - Saint Motel
Your Ex-Lover is Dead - Stars

But I couldn't. I couldn't truly imagine life without her for a while. Not until I got back to Boise and saw she had moved out. That was the worst moment of 2014, possibly my life. I cried. I cried openly. I even cried later that night when watching The Pursuit of Happyness at the plasma center. God, why did it have to be that movie. It's such a depressing movie for me, even though it has a happy ending. I didn't get to watch the end. The plasma center can be cruel in that way. Sometimes you get really into a movie and have to leave when things get interesting.

But God bless Lindsay Ladell. She kept me together when I was at my weakest. I recall this trip to Boise we took together. I had a meeting with Boise State advising and she wanted to visit some friends so we went together. I was actually happy during that trip. Even though it was only a few days after the breakup with Alecia, I was actually truly happy. One thing I remember in particular about that trip was the speed I was going. Normally on a 75mph highway, I drive around 80mph. However, I actually drove around 73mph with her in the car. I just wanted my time with her to last a few minutes longer.

June:

It wasn't long after that when Lindsay and I found our way back to each other. Were we a couple? Well, yes I think we were. Though neither of us would truly admit it, we sure did act like a couple. It sure did hurt both of us when we ended. I think of her fondly still as a former companion. We went swimming and to fancy pizza restaurants where we tried to recreate photos of her friends. We went shopping and she tried to get me to step out of my comfort zone. We got married. I think we were a couple. However, it was a short lived relationship.

Time - The Mowgli's
Where is My Mind? - Pixies
Smoke Breathing Monsters - Desert Noises
Summer Girl - Family of the Year

Deep down I always knew I wanted to go back to Boise. I tried to convince myself that I could still go to ISU, but I really wanted to start over in Boise. Lindsay and I both knew that this would be the end of us... again, though we both didn't really admit it.

One thing I've started to wonder lately is if Lindsay let me love her because she knew how wounded I was. Though there has always been this mutual attraction between us, we both knew it would never truly work out. It makes me think of one of my favorite moments in my favorite book: I am the messenger by Markus Zusak. The main character has always been in love with one of his best friends. However she knows she can't give him the love he wants back to him. However, in one moments he goes to her house and dances with her, doesn't say anything, just dances with her for 3 minutes. In those 3 minutes she is able to let go of those fears and just love him just for that brief moment.

I like to think that was what Lindsay did for me. We both knew we couldn't give each other the love we wanted from the other, but she let me love her. It was for a brief month, and that month feels like such a long time ago, but she let me love her...

July and beyond will have to come later. Believe me my few loyal followers, I have more to write, but I also have work in about 6 hours and would like a decent amount of sleep. There is so much to say and it's a struggle to say it right but I want to try, for myself.