It's been two weeks now...
Two weeks...
That's it, that's all the time that has passed since we broke up. It honestly has felt like so god damn long but it has still only been two weeks. That's what I hate about this. I've been stuck inside my head so much these past two weeks that it feels like centuries has passed.
Now I should clarify all this by saying, I only knew Sam and dated her for roughly 3-4 months. In the grand scheme of life, I know I'll be ok, but right now it really sucks. I thought she was incredible... actually I still think she is. I felt like things were going well for us. Up until a tuesday night before we broke up. We went and saw la la land (good movie, but now it's a bad memory), and I made a joke that hurt her feelings. She was cuddling with a blanket that was really soft (to her credit, it was a really soft blanket). I said, "You used to cuddle me that way." I feel like I was just being playful but she was really hurt by that.
To be honest I didn't think that was really an issue until tonight. I stumbled on her instagram (to be honest, I should probably just remove her from my fb, snapchat, insta, all forms of social media. It just brings up bad memories looking at it, but I feel terrible blocking her). Anyways I saw the comic she had been writing about her boyfriend before me. He was emotionally abusive and controlling. I knew that pretty early on when we met. She never really told me but I saw some posts she made about him. I tried not to ask her about it. I figured if she wanted to talk to me about him, I'd let her bring it up. I wouldn't press her for it, but I'm rambling. The point is tonight she posted some stuff about her breakup. When she realized he was abusive and hurting her. She found a list of signs that he was abusive and one of the things was mean jokes...
Now I don't think I was truly emotionally abusive, but the aforementioned joke about the blanket... What if that brought back those painful memories? She was only about a year removed from this bad relationship ending. Those wounds are still relatively fresh. What if I was, to some degree, without even realizing it, hurting someone I thought I loved?
Honestly, this scares me. I thought I was a safe person to be around, but shit, I didn't even know it. What scares me most is that I know this is going to make me even more self conscious of the things I say around potential prospects, and I know it requires a certain degree of "boldness" when talking to a girl... I feel like I'm saying this wrong. I need to think about how to word this better. Anyways, while I think this may have been an issue that caused our breakup, I don't think this is the only thing.
Now the events of the actual breakup are kinda blurry for me. Not like I was drunk or anything, but when she was actually... dumping me, I regressed into my head to A. process whether I could save the relationship or not B. think of the words to say C. Accept that after I left that coffee house, she would not be my girlfriend anymore... The point is, when I regress into my own head, I kinda only half listen. However, from what I heard she was rather vague about why we were breaking up. One thing she said was that she wasn't really sure about how she felt about me, and this is something that has weighed on my mind heavily these past two weeks.
There's a certain level of relationship I really enjoy. It's like at the point where you're comfortable saying "I love you" to each other regularly and you don't really need to let each other know you're gonna hang out. It's almost implied. Anyways, we had said "I love you" to each other in mid December. I had thought about it for a couple weeks, but that night we got really drunk and I said it, and she said it, and we hugged and kissed a lot and were very happy. Anyways, for those of you keeping score at home. We had met in mid september, Maybe started "dating" a week or two after that. At most, we were together for 3 months before I said it... I think I'm saying it too soon.
This goes back to my very first relationship. Jacquie said it after a couple weeks, and I thought after that I thought really soon was appropriate. Anyways, I've always been the first to say it. Always. And this one was no different, though for the record, I held off much longer than I have in pretty much every other relationship. It's probably a record for me. And I think to some degree, I scared her off. I rushed her into it. I convinced her to love me before she was ready and... again, I'm tired and I think I'm not quite getting the words right... I tried to force her to love me...
You know the more I read over this, the more I think I should see a therapist. I feel like s/he could really help me sort this out. I think I'm going to look into that tomorrow.
Anyways, the reason I think about this is because of Meghan. When Alecia and I broke up and I moved back to Boise, she was the first girl I pursued. Well, except for Lindsay, but that relationship was doomed very early on. However, it may prove relevant. Anyways, things were going well between us early on. However, she had a bad breakup and wasn't looking for a serious relationship for a while. However, I wanted that relationship, and I pressed her for it. She wasn't ready and stood by that so... we broke up? Same with Lindsay too. I wanted to be at that comfortable level of relationship and I think I try to force it too much sometimes. Maybe that's what happened here too.
Of course, I could just be grasping at straws here.
Anyways, there's one more thing that I think about with this breakup. I really feel like that there's some flaw with me that she didn't like that caused her to break up with me. Maybe it's my own self hatred kicking in, but I wonder if there was something in my personality or something I said or did, that she didn't like and didn't want to be around any more.
A couple days after the breakup I pressed her one more time for more information on why she was dumping me. When I did, she thought that I thought she cheated on me got upset with me about this. I truly don't think she cheated on me, BUT if I'm being totally honest with myself... ever since Alecia cheated on me, that's in the back of my mind all the time with relationships. Not that I constantly think to myself that girlfriends are going to cheat on me but rather... what if they do?
This isn't really the point I was going for. I wanted to tell her that if something was wrong with me that caused the breakup, I want her to tell me, but do I want her to tell me? Is it something fixable? Is it something that can never be fixed? It's just who I am now? I don't know...
...
She left me a note in a book. I lent the book to her, but she never got around to reading it. It's ok. Shardanae lent me a book that I tried to read but I never could. I feel bad that I never gave it back to her. Anyways the note said we had fun. She was really happy.
We were happy.
This note is going to haunt me for sometime. This note just makes me think that somehow, someway... there's still a chance for us. Maybe she just wasn't ready and needed time for her... For school and to get her life ready... and maybe in a year or two or five, we could do it again... and be happy.
Or maybe it was to say thank you, but this is it. She was happy but there wasn't a future here... for us... I don't know. It's late and these thoughts are weighing me down so fucking much right now.
I saw her on tinder. Which of course means I'm on tinder. I kind of hate tinder. I don't feel like I'm really going to meet anyone on there. Maybe I should try another app. Maybe find one of those speed dating things. I don't know anymore.
I swiped no to her. I think she needs time. And if I have to see her more without being with her well... it just hurts. It fucking hurts. I should probably block her. It's for the best.
Thanks for reading this, whoever you are. It does mean something to me.
