Monday, February 6, 2017

Two Week, Feeling Weak

It's been two weeks now...

Two weeks...

That's it, that's all the time that has passed since we broke up. It honestly has felt like so god damn long but it has still only been two weeks. That's what I hate about this. I've been stuck inside my head so much these past two weeks that it feels like centuries has passed.

Now I should clarify all this by saying, I only knew Sam and dated her for roughly 3-4 months. In the grand scheme of life, I know I'll be ok, but right now it really sucks. I thought she was incredible... actually I still think she is. I felt like things were going well for us. Up until a tuesday night before we broke up. We went and saw la la land (good movie, but now it's a bad memory), and I made a joke that hurt her feelings. She was cuddling with a blanket that was really soft (to her credit, it was a really soft blanket). I said, "You used to cuddle me that way." I feel like I was just being playful but she was really hurt by that.

To be honest I didn't think that was really an issue until tonight. I stumbled on her instagram (to be honest, I should probably just remove her from my fb, snapchat, insta, all forms of social media. It just brings up bad memories looking at it, but I feel terrible blocking her). Anyways I saw the comic she had been writing about her boyfriend before me. He was emotionally abusive and controlling. I knew that pretty early on when we met. She never really told me but I saw some posts she made about him. I tried not to ask her about it. I figured if she wanted to talk to me about him, I'd let her bring it up. I wouldn't press her for it, but I'm rambling. The point is tonight she posted some stuff about her breakup. When she realized he was abusive and hurting her. She found a list of signs that he was abusive and one of the things was mean jokes...

Now I don't think I was truly emotionally abusive, but the aforementioned joke about the blanket... What if that brought back those painful memories? She was only about a year removed from this bad relationship ending. Those wounds are still relatively fresh. What if I was, to some degree, without even realizing it, hurting someone I thought I loved?

Honestly, this scares me. I thought I was a safe person to be around, but shit, I didn't even know it. What scares me most is that I know this is going to make me even more self conscious of the things I say around potential prospects, and I know it requires a certain degree of "boldness" when talking to a girl... I feel like I'm saying this wrong. I need to think about how to word this better. Anyways, while I think this may have been an issue that caused our breakup, I don't think this is the only thing.

Now the events of the actual breakup are kinda blurry for me. Not like I was drunk or anything, but when she was actually... dumping me, I regressed into my head to A. process whether I could save the relationship or not B. think of the words to say C. Accept that after I left that coffee house, she would not be my girlfriend anymore... The point is, when I regress into my own head, I kinda only half listen. However, from what I heard she was rather vague about why we were breaking up. One thing she said was that she wasn't really sure about how she felt about me, and this is something that has weighed on my mind heavily these past two weeks.

There's a certain level of relationship I really enjoy. It's like at the point where you're comfortable saying "I love you" to each other regularly and you don't really need to let each other know you're gonna hang out. It's almost implied. Anyways, we had said "I love you" to each other in mid December. I had thought about it for a couple weeks, but that night we got really drunk and I said it, and she said it, and we hugged and kissed a lot and were very happy. Anyways, for those of you keeping score at home. We had met in mid september, Maybe started "dating" a week or two after that. At most, we were together for 3 months before I said it... I think I'm saying it too soon.

This goes back to my very first relationship. Jacquie said it after a couple weeks, and I thought after that I thought really soon was appropriate. Anyways, I've always been the first to say it. Always. And this one was no different, though for the record, I held off much longer than I have in pretty much every other relationship. It's probably a record for me. And I think to some degree, I scared her off. I rushed her into it. I convinced her to love me before she was ready and... again, I'm tired and I think I'm not quite getting the words right... I tried to force her to love me...

You know the more I read over this, the more I think I should see a therapist. I feel like s/he could really help me sort this out. I think I'm going to look into that tomorrow.

Anyways, the reason I think about this is because of Meghan. When Alecia and I broke up and I moved back to Boise, she was the first girl I pursued. Well, except for Lindsay, but that relationship was doomed very early on. However, it may prove relevant. Anyways, things were going well between us early on. However, she had a bad breakup and wasn't looking for a serious relationship for a while. However, I wanted that relationship, and I pressed her for it. She wasn't ready and stood by that so... we broke up? Same with Lindsay too. I wanted to be at that comfortable level of relationship and I think I try to force it too much sometimes. Maybe that's what happened here too.

Of course, I could just be grasping at straws here.

Anyways, there's one more thing that I think about with this breakup. I really feel like that there's some flaw with me that she didn't like that caused her to break up with me. Maybe it's my own self hatred kicking in, but I wonder if there was something in my personality or something I said or did, that she didn't like and didn't want to be around any more.

A couple days after the breakup I pressed her one more time for more information on why she was dumping me. When I did, she thought that I thought she cheated on me got upset with me about this. I truly don't think she cheated on me, BUT if I'm being totally honest with myself... ever since Alecia cheated on me, that's in the back of my mind all the time with relationships. Not that I constantly think to myself that girlfriends are going to cheat on me but rather... what if they do?

This isn't really the point I was going for. I wanted to tell her that if something was wrong with me that caused the breakup, I want her to tell me, but do I want her to tell me? Is it something fixable? Is it something that can never be fixed? It's just who I am now? I don't know...


She left me a note in a book. I lent the book to her, but she never got around to reading it. It's ok. Shardanae lent me a book that I tried to read but I never could. I feel bad that I never gave it back to her. Anyways the note said we had fun. She was really happy.

We were happy.

This note is going to haunt me for sometime. This note just makes me think that somehow, someway... there's still a chance for us. Maybe she just wasn't ready and needed time for her... For school and to get her life ready... and maybe in a year or two or five, we could do it again... and be happy.

Or maybe it was to say thank you, but this is it. She was happy but there wasn't a future here... for us... I don't know. It's late and these thoughts are weighing me down so fucking much right now.

I saw her on tinder. Which of course means I'm on tinder. I kind of hate tinder. I don't feel like I'm really going to meet anyone on there. Maybe I should try another app. Maybe find one of those speed dating things. I don't know anymore.

I swiped no to her. I think she needs time. And if I have to see her more without being with her well... it just hurts. It fucking hurts. I should probably block her. It's for the best.

Thanks for reading this, whoever you are. It does mean something to me.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Story time: The Most Honest Thing I've Ever Written

To be honest, I haven't written lately because I think I'm happy. Usually I use this blog as a "cry for help/notice me" kind of thing. However, lately I've been pretty content with my life. I mean sure, my favorite lol team is falling apart, same with my NFL team, our college ultimate team is nowhere near as good as last year, and our bscs team lost in playoffs already, but I'm pretty satisfied. Maybe it's because I'm so busy. Maybe it's because I kinda sorta have a girlfriend-ish. Maybe it's because I'm pretty over Alecia.
Today I opened up a message from Alecia by accident. It was a little bit after we broke up and got back together. And it didn't make me sad. It made me feel happy. Happy that I was loved so unconditionally. Even though we had broken up she still truly loved me. It made me feel safe. Like, I did it once. I can do it again.
Anyways, this made me think of this post from a long time ago. I originally posted this around the summer of 2012. After me and Alecia broke up and after me and Lindsay broke up. This was around my lowest low following those breakups, kind of like how my post "This House" was my lowest low after my second break up with Alecia. I really liked this post but after me and Alecia got back together, she said this really hurt her because I said some mean things about her in this and she asked me to delete it. Well I could never bring myself to truly delete this so I just made it private so no one could read it except me. Well it feels like it's time to post this again. Here's my story: The Most Honest Thing I've Ever Written

It's amazing how much things can change over the shortest course of time. It's amazing where I was a year ago, when I last posted on here. It's amazing where I was 3 weeks ago, where I was a day ago, and where I am now. And here I am, really alone. The most alone I've been in a long time really. So I guess it's time for me to be really truly honest about myself. This is going to offend some people to talk about but I need to say it aloud for some odd reason.

It started on May 4th. I went to donate plasma like I have been doing for the past year or so. And I saw this girl. A girl wearing a cute blue dress and reading catch 22, a book I tried to read in high school but lost interest. And I normally have these weird little daydreams where this girl and I start up a conversation and suddenly realize how perfect we are for each and... I don't know. It's happens every now and then. It happened since I was in 7th grade with Cecilia Soto. Odds are she doesn't even remember who I am. We only talked a few times, but I developed this little daydream about her. Normally that's right where it ends, because the girl isn't interested in me or she has BF or something. Anyways, I move onto the next girl and life goes on. The first time this really changed was my freshman year of college. When I met a girl named Alecia. She was another little crush and she had a boyfriend. So normally that's right where it ends. But it didn't. I got her to break up with the BF for me. In fact, we kissed before they broke up. We were kissing for about a week before they broke up. I got her to fall for me over the boy that she had been with for almost a year. (This story is going to sound real familiar real soon.)
Anyways, the daydream normally ends when I go home and onto my life. But it didn't. 2 days later I started working at Convergys, the worst place in the world. And she was there. The girl from the plasma center. The girl I had the daydream about. Normally this isn't too weird. I have these sorts of daydreams with girls I have classes with. Like this girl Kelsey I had a couple classes with last semester. The daydream gets more detailed as we slowly get to know each other more. But normally i get by because the girl has no interest in me or has a boyfriend. This time was different. She remembered me from the plasma center. She said I looked like this guy from her favorite band, Bright Eyes. I soon found out she didn't have a boyfriend. And she was falling for me. Which was bad. Cause I was falling for her too. By the next weekend, May 11th, I was already falling out of love with Alecia, and falling for this new girl, Lindsay. So I tried to break up with Alecia. But we didn't. She insisted I was panicing because we had just moved into together and we were entering a whole new level of commitment. And I was afraid she might be right, so I stayed with her. But I didn't feel that way. I really felt so much less for Alecia and so much more for Lindsay. Over the next few weeks that became more and more true. I started looking forward to work. Work at this god awful job for the brief moments where we had break and I could hang out with Lindsay. Yet I was still with Alecia. Because I was trying to remember how I felt about Alecia when we first met. How lovestruck I was. And I was trying to compare that to this. But i couldn't do it. All I could do is compare Alecia, after a year and a half together, to Lindsay, whom I just met. Of course Lindsay was going to win that battle. The newer thing is always more exciting. More interesting. It was never fair to Alecia. I hung out with Lindsay a few times outside of work too. We went to donate plasma together. And we went to a couple concerts. For a couple days, Alecia went home to Kuna and I got rides to work with Lindsay. I told Alecia that I was getting rides with Kelsey Morgan, this other girl we work with. I knew Alecia wouldn't get jealous of Kelsey because she wasn't too attractive. Alecia was rather shallow like that.
However, everything changed on June 5th. Alecia had found out that I went to a concert with Lindsay because I left a message from Lindsay on Facebook that had details on the concert. You want to know the sad truth about this? I wanted Alecia to find out. I wanted her to see that and get mad and dump me. If I really wanted to keep it a secret, I would of deleted every bit of evidence. But I didn't. So on June 5th at approximately 11:30 am, I went to lunch. And I saw many texts from Alecia. She found the message and wanted to talk to me. So she came down to work and I told her the truth (and this is exactly what was said):
After some fighting:
Alecia: "Do you have anything else you want to say?"
Me: "I like Lindsay."
Alecia: "How much?"
Me: "Enough to want to break up with you."
And that was it. I got out of the car and tried to go back to work but I couldn't. I felt to guilty. So I went home (or at least to my former home) and tried to help pack up everything. She was livid with me. I don't blame her. What I did was awful. She yelled at me until I left. I moved back into my old place at the elms and tried to settle there, and that's the weird thing. I wasn't crying. I really didn't feel that way for her anymore. That just made me feel more guilty. She asked me to help her pay rent for one more month. I didn't mind. Convergys pays really well at least for being such a bad job. I didn't see her again for a while.
Then we fast forward to June 7th: That was when I first held Lindsay's hand. And that night, after she got off work, we kissed. I thought this was exactly what I wanted. At the time, it was. I was happy for a while. But then me and lindsay started to get closer. Wanting to hang out almost every day. And I didn't mind that. I really liked it. But I always felt like I had to do something to entertain her. Not that I wouldn't entertain her. I tried. But I didn't really have any idea what to do. I wanted to do stuff but I didn't really know what. Pocatello isn't exactly teeming with things to do. And I was happy just watching a good tv show or movie with someone who was cool to hang out with. Maybe this was my own insecurities. I felt like I was boring and needed to find some way to be not boring. She wasn't. She wanted to do things. Go outside and live. But I didn't really know what to do. That was never the case with Alecia. Things were never difficult with her and sometimes we didn't know what to do but I never felt guilty for not having any ideas. It was just easy to be with her.
Then the big issue came up. She was LDS. I wasn't. I've studied some of the beliefs and I just don't really agree with them. My big issue with Mormonism (and most religions) is that I don't know what's going to happen after we die. And I like not knowing. It means it could be anything. Anything at all. It almost makes death exciting. It's a whole new adventure (Emo, amirite?). We talked a little about this. She said she could never see herself settling down with someone who isn't mormon. Ironically this is about the only time I've cried during this whole ordeal. I felt like she was giving up on us before we had even really had a chance. In hindsight this seems like the thing I should of been least sad about.
Then came June 25th, Yesterday actually. Alecia asked me to come pay rent and grab the last couple things from her house. When I got there, my heart was pounding. I have never felt it beat so loud. I really haven't. I nearly passed out from it. And she opened the door and there was a boy there. She said he was just a friend but I didn't believe her. I paid rent and we talked for a bit. She had shaved almost all of Teke's hair off. I didn't much like that. I think he looked better with the hair. But alas, I was only there for about 5 minutes and I went on my way. And there it was. All the feelings I should of felt when we were breaking up. The sadness. I guess I never really accept we're breaking up till I see the other person move on. That's how it's always been. Jacquie was dating someone else a week after we broke up. That one hurt. A lot. Addy didn't move on for a few months. And I wasn't sad about us breaking up until I saw she had moved on. And now Alecia. She had moved on and I was sad. I didn't cry though. I wanted to but I didn't. Lindsay was coming over in a little bit. I figured she'd make me feel better. She did for a little bit. Then there was another lull in the in our conversation. I was starting to know little differences between us. She was outgoing. She was honest. Honest with everyone. I'm not honest. I lie. I lie to people. My parents. My friends. Alecia. Lindsay. Even myself. I lie to everyone. This post is the most honest thing I've done in a long time. And during that lull I started to think of everything I missed with Alecia. I think it was just because that day I was really starting to get over her. But I told Lindsay the truth. I told her I wasn't over Alecia. She didn't want to be strung along while I was thinking about some other girl, ironically what I was doing with Alecia. So we broke up. She said I should talk to Alecia about this. She thought that we should be together. And that was it. She cut me out of her life. Defriended me on Facebook. Quit texting me and quit talking to me. It's probably for the best. It's much easier to get over someone if they aren't in your life.
 So that's what I decided to do with Aleica. I told her I still liked her. I told her I was sorry for everything that happened. And I told her that I couldn't be just friends with her. I told her that if she wanted to date other people, we can't be friends because it hurt too much to see her with someone else. But if she maybe wanted to be with me, then we could. She said she wanted to date other people and that maybe someday that would change but she couldn't forgive me for now. So I cut her out of my life. Defriended her on Facebook. Quit texting her and quit talking to her. I don't know what's going to happen now. The thing that's weirdest about all of this is how little I've cried over everything. I've felt sad, guilty, and depressed, but I haven't been that sad about it all. I guess I feel oddly hopeful. I don't know what's going to happen to me next. Maybe Alecia and I will get back together (though if we did, it wouldn't be for a while. And It wouldn't been the same as before. Nothing is going to be the same). Maybe Lindsay and I will take a chance (Though I doubt that. I think she won't forgive me for this. And I read her blog post (yes, I read the post about me Linds, but I won't read any more after today (Not a guarantee)) And I don't really think we're right for each other. Nothing against her. She's great. She's a way better person than I am. And I wish there was something here, but something just feels off about us.) Or maybe I'll meet someone new. Maybe I've already met someone and I just don't even know it yet. Who knows? Anything can happen here. I guess it's all just a new adventure waiting to be had.
So why say all this where anyone can see this and know my most innermost emotions? I guess Lindsay can be thanked for that. She said people should quit being so fake. People should be more honest. Especially me. She was right. I never was honest, at least not 100 percent honest with anyone. Not even myself. And I think she's right. I've decided to quit hiding my thoughts. I'm gonna be more honest from here on out. People may like this. Others may think i'm retarded for doing this. I quit caring what people think of me. That's not entirely true. I do care. But some of you are going to not like me. There's nothing I can do about that. But those of you who do care about me, those are the people who I care about.
So now what to do with my life. Most of my friends are in other cities. I have some friends here, but outside of Ultimate, it's a little weird hanging out with them. I guess I'll write more blog posts (Don't take that as a promise that I'll write more. I might but we'll see). And I'll be home more too. I guess I can walk around a lot. I might go to the cemetery more and feed the squirrels. (<3 you Victoria) But I don't know where I'll go next. Or what I'll do next. But I'm excited to find out. Guess that's it for now. Stay sexy internet.

Friday, March 27, 2015

2014: A Review: Part 3: Like all good things and bad things, things must come to an end

I think I'm going to have a great story to tell about Treefort happening this year. So I need to finish this now.

October 2014

The last part of the year, is going to be rather short, don't worry.

So Bree and I hung out a few times and went on a date. Things really seemed like they were going well. It wasn't long before I really started to get a feel for what kind of person she was. This isn't totally true, but in a lot of ways, she reminded me of Alecia. Just in the way she carried herself. Her personality. They were just very similar. I think that's what attracted me to her really.

November 2014

So things were going well for a while... until she just quit talking to me. And for a long time, I didn't know why. She was only working 2 days a week so I didn't see her much at work. Eventually, after a couple weeks of us not talking, we finally worked a shift together. So I confronted her about it. She told me she had run off with her ex and gotten married.

Bad day number 5

I don't think it's a shock to anyone that 3 of the 5 bad days were girls at least sorta breaking up with me.

Anyways, for about 10 - 15 minutes, I went in the bathroom and cried. It was pretty shitty. However, it was Lindsay of all people who saved me again. There was this movie she loved, The Dish and the Spoon. Honestly, I wasn't a big fan of the movie when I watched it the first time. But it grew on me, especially after this incident.

*Spoiler Alert*

So the plot of the movie is this lady's husband cheats on her, so she runs off with this guy and... well honestly it's hard to describe what they do. She finds herself? (While finding the girl her boyfriend cheats on her with and kicking her ass). Anyways, at the end of the movie she goes back to her husband, and the guy she runs off with sorta... disappears.

That's kinda how I felt. I was there to help put her back on the right path. And now I've disappeared from her life. She left Walgreens, we don't talk, we aren't even Facebook friends. Everything we ever were is in the past now.

Honestly, Since this incident has happened with Bree, I've held no real grudges against her. Which is weird because it seems like she hurt me, but... I don't think I liked her enough for her to do any real damage to me. Not that I didn't like her, but we were only "together" for a few weeks at most.

December 2014

I don't remember much about December being eventful. I finished school. Tony and Kerynn came to town for Christmas. Spent a lot of time with the family. The only really eventful thing was me confessing I still have feelings for Lindsay.

Which I don't think surprised anyone, even her. However, I think she was starting to date William at that time (which I'll have more to talk about during my next post), so she pushed me away. Told me that, as we both knew, it wasn't meant to be.


What have I been doing the last couple months that's kept me so busy? Well, a lot of things, and I swear I'll have more to talk about when it comes to Treefort and Lindsay, but that's to wait until my next post. However, I think the most important thing I've been doing is finding out who I WANT to be, not who I think I SHOULD be. It's made me better as a person I think, and I'm far less depressed now. I'm not constantly feeling like I'm failing because I'm not with someone, I'm happy just being me. (Though there are still moments where I feel sad there isn't someone there)

Anyways, that's all for tonight, but there will be much much more to talk about next time. I swear.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

2014: A Review: Part 2: Sleep is the real enemy

Ok, I can't sleep, so where were we?

July 2014

This is starting over. I moved back into my parents house. I was pretty depressed most of the time. Fortunately for me, Sean got me a job with Neil making the tracks around football fields. This job was pretty good for me. It got me out of the house, and spending time with neil and sean so I didn't spend as much time hung up on Alecia. For a short period this was fine.

Cool Kids - Echosmith
Forest Whitaker - Bad Books
Fader - The Temper Trap

Then there was the second bad day (out of roughly 5 bad days this year, the first of which was the day I got back to the home in Poky after Alecia left.) We had just finished another day of work, and me and sean bought this cool Taco Bell sign that we were gonna hang in our apartment. I was feeling pretty good... until we got back to the hotel.

First, Alecia was frustrated with our old roommates not paying their bills on our house that our names were (unfortunately) still on. Then, the people Teke were staying with said that Teke couldn't stay with them anymore because he wasn't getting along with their dog. Last, and worst of all, I found out Lindsay had gotten in a serious car accident... Her friend told me she was fine, only some bumps and bruises, but it was still terrifying. What if she had died? She'd be gone... and believe me, I'd be completely lost right now in this moment if it wasn't for her. She's always there to listen to me when I'm on the verge of breakdown. Even though we aren't together, I always feel so safe talking to her about my issues.

Anyways, I talked to Neil after this and told him I couldn't work much longer because I needed to be around Teke. So I applied at the Walgreens that Marcus works at. I started a job there soon after that. I sent Lindsay some get well gifts, and things worked out with the ex roommates.

It was around this time that I started talking to Meghan again. I had tried to set up a game of ultimate, which just happened to be our favorite sport. However, the person who promised people there didn't deliver, so it was just me, her, her sister, and about 5 of her friends. It wasn't much of a game, so we went to get some ice cream instead. I'm not too sure how this happened, but it ended up being just me, my friend Jordan, Meghan, and Meghan's sister, Angie. Angie and Jordan were already kinda friends from ISU so it sorta turned into this double date. Anyways, at the end of the night, I got the courage to ask her out on real date, and she said yes. So began my second summer romance.

Over & Over - Smallpooks
Lost in My Mind - The Head and the Heart
Baby, It's Fact - Hellogoodbye

August 2014

While I do genuinely believe that she liked me, and possibly may still like me on this day, things don't always just work out that way. So we had our summer fling and I honestly thought things were going well, and I bet she did too, but she was going back to U of I for her last semester. She told me numerous times that she wasn't looking for a serious relationship, and I respected that, but deep down I knew that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted a relationship. Anyways she went back to U of I, and deep down I held onto this hope that we would get back together when she got back.

A couple other days of interest from the month:

The day I started at Walgreens: This day was important because I met another girl, Bree, who's part in this story doesn't come up until later.

The day I contemplated suicide: Ok, I knew I wasn't actually going to do it. Suicide is such a selfish thing to do, but this day was an extremely awful day (Bad day number 3 (out of 5ish))

Around this time, me and Sean were searching for an apartment together. We had picked a place but it wasn't pet friendly. So we decided we were going to sneak Teke in. We put down the deposit, but we soon read the rules and I felt like I didn't want to risk bringing Teke. This lead to us not getting our deposit back... It was a long and frustrating day, but it wasn't compounded by the fact that Alecia got a new boyfriend...

A little tidbit about myself: I don't really accept things are over with a girl until she moves on. I can lie to you and myself all I want, but I know deep down a decent part of me still wanted her back, cheating and all. Hell, even today some part of me wants her back, even if my better judgement says I shouldn't, I think I was happiest with her.

Sean was understanding about my predicament and didn't make too much of a big deal about losing that deposit.

Anyways, the reason I say this was the day I contemplated suicide is because I actually ended up calling the suicide hotline. I just wanted someone new to talk to about it. They didn't really give me much help though. They kinda asked the questions I expected them to ask. Do you think you'll actually commit suicide? Do you need counseling? The truth was I just wanted to feel like I was having a conversation with someone. Not just answering questions about my sanity.

The World at Large - Modest Mouse
The First Single (You know me) - The Format
Riptide - Vance Joy
Tessellate - Tokyo Police Club

Anyways, I got through those bad days. Bad days don't just get better instantly. It something you have to suffer through. They often linger for a couple days afterwards. Eventually though, you survive.

September, 2014

And you move on. So the new school year started. At first, I was full of hope and excitement. I was gonna get good grades. I was gonna make new friends. I was gonna be so good at getting girls. Life has an interesting way of humbling you.  I ended up not really putting myself out there for most of my classes. I turned into another face in the crowd. I did join the Ultimate team at least. I met some new people through them but considering that a fair amount of the team is into certain drugs, and I, being a goodie two shoe, am not into certain drugs, I didn't make an amazing connection with them. Not that I don't like them or anything, it just feels like I'm one of the more forgettable members of the team.

So, when the semester started Meghan told me to see other people. Not that she wasn't into me, again, I still believe she was, but she was always going to remain single. However, I didn't really put myself out there, so I didn't ask anyone out. I kept holding onto the fact that Meghan and I would get together when she got back. Of course, as most of you have probably noticed by now, we aren't.

Chasin Honey - Wild Party
Mr. Pitiful - Matt Costa

October, 2014

I found a weekend where I had a couple days off of work. I talked to Meghan and U of I was hosting a costume tournament. So we set up plans for me to come up. For about the first twenty four hours of the trip, things went well. I hung out with her roommates and her. I played ultimate. I had brought Teke. Everyone, and I mean every single person ever, loves Teke. So naturally, Teke's owner was pretty popular.

However, it was around 4 pm on Saturday where things went wrong. (Bad day number 4) I started getting stuck in my own head... I think those of you who are reading this know about these things. Those days where you're stuck on such a shitty thought that you can't get off of? Yeah, I had one of those days. This though was, I'm just going to wait until Meghan moves back and I'll just date her then. However, she didn't really want that. She told me not to get out there and meet other people. If we both happen to be single when she moves back to Boise, then maybe it'll be fate. But don't expect that. Besides, she said she might want to travel the world. Move to San Fransisco or New York or Europe or something. She might just want to be single when that happens. Then she asked me what the problem really was. I realized I had put all my efforts into her. I guess in a weird way, this was her breaking up with me. I didn't realize this at the time, but I think she already knew she wasn't going to date me. She already had someone else she wanted to be with.

So I spent the next several hours (5 pm to 3 am) trying to sleep with little success. Meghan told me that sleep would help. She was right, but getting to sleep was so difficult (much like it is tonight). However, when I woke up the next morning, I started feeling better. Me and Meghan talked more, and I decided I needed to move on from Meghan.

Remember me briefly mentioning Bree? Well here's a little background on her. When I met her, she was engaged, however, her fiance cheated on her, and she subsequently broke up with him. (Sounds sorta familiar doesn't it?) Anyways, with our odd connection, I decided I should ask her out. It took about a 6 hour drive down from Moscow with me constantly telling myself, "You're going to ask out Bree. You're going to ask out Bree."

Eventually, I got to Walgreens, went up to her, and as soon as I got there, I just walked up to her and asked her out. She said yes. I was very happy for the next few days.

It's Nice to be Alive - Ball Park Music
I Wanna Get Better - Bleachers
Something to Do - HelloGoodbye
Changing of The Seasons - Two Door Cinema Club
Lady of Late - Priory

I think I'm tired enough to go to bed now, so I'll finish up the year next time, I promise.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

2014: A Review: Part 1: Love is a cruel mistress, but I still love love.

What a weird year 2014 was. I've been thinking a lot about this past year lately, as this seems the appropriate time to do so. It feels like this year I failed. A year ago today, I was engaged, I had my life figured out, and it seemed I knew what I was doing. Now? Well, I'm lost. I'm not sure what I'm doing really. I'm depressed honestly, but I think I've become a better person because of it. So lets take a moment to review my year. Alongside this, I'll list the songs I most enjoyed and defined myself during that time of the year.


Things seemed simple for me at the time. I was engaged. I played video games. I went to school. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. The exception being Lindsay. I knew Alecia wouldn't be happy when she found out, but I was still having occasional conversations with her. Never meeting with her or anything more than that, but simply talking. Of course Alecia couldn't trust me. She has trust issues that I believe go back to her first boyfriend, who cheated on her with one of her best friends. Of course, I didn't help these when I left her to pursue Lindsay. Even after I came back to her, she still struggled to trust me fully. I don't think I deserved that trust really. I don't know if there will ever be a time in my life where I don't want Lindsay to at least be my friend. I don't think Alecia would of ever been ok with that. I like to think me and Lindsay are just friends, but she always does linger in the back of my mind. She knows this but this is further down in the story.

Clean Light - The Mowgli's
Say it, Just Say it - The Mowgli's
The Way We Get By - Spoon
St Croix - Family of the Year

Anyways, this continues until one eventful March night. She discovers I have a second twitter page. Actually that page was a cover for my first twitter page to hide the fact that I still use the first twitter page. I could of continued the lie if I wanted to but I wanted to end it. So I told her about the first twitter page and that I was still talking to Lindsay. She cried in the living room for what felt like hours, until she asked me to come out. I was ready for it to end that night.

But it didn't.

We talked, and I remember being really shocked about one thing in particular. She gave the ultimatium: Alecia or Lindsay. I told her the truth. At the time, it was Alecia. But I told her she still lingered in my mind. That I still wanted her as a friend. She didn't seem to care about the second part so much as the first one which actually frustrated me for a while. However this lead to what I consider one of Alecia's greatest moments of growth I ever did see.

A couple days after this fight, we talk about it again. She tries to accept that we are friends and allows this to happen with one rule, she wants to be friends with her too. For a while this seems to be working and I have hope that this can work. I can be in a relationship with Alecia while being friends with Lindsay. However, for those of you who know me, or even read my blog occasionally, you know how this ends.


Alecia graduates and I'm happy for her. We start talking about possibly moving back to Boise. I know she wants to move back closer to her family and I know Sean and possibly Jared are going to attend BSU so I think we would both be happier there. I applied to BSU and I thought Alecia would be really happy about moving away from Lindsay, making it harder for us to be friends. Then she goes to Mexico. As a graduation present from her grandparents, she visits her grandparent's friends for a week in Mexico. There she meets Javier...

It's my fault too. I knew it was tough for her being away from me with the possibility of me meeting up with Lindsay and her having no way of knowing. I could of messaged her more. I could of told her I missed her and I loved her more. There was a two day period when I didn't message her at all. For those of you who know me well (Sean in particular), you know I'm not very good at messaging. Just confirming and talking to people I forget to do too often. Anyways, that's when it happened. She cheated.

I didn't know yet. So when she came back to Pocatello, I was still very happy to see her. However, she wasn't terribly excited to see me. In previous cases when we had been apart for a long period of time, she was very happy to see me, but it could tell it wasn't right this time. Something was wrong. I wasn't sure of what until one fateful Friday. I was taking a nap and when I woke up, I wanted to watch some videos on my computer. At the time, my laptop's monitor was breaking. So I decided to use Alecia. When I opened it, facebook was open with two message conversations going. One was with Hailey, her best friend. The other was with Javier... You could tell a lot about the way they were talking that it was clear they weren't just friends. But I had to look at Hailey's messages to be sure. A little ways up the page you could see it.

"And I maaayyy have made out with a guy"

I looked at more of her messages. It wasn't remorse or guilt she felt. She was fine. She had just assumed that I cheated and that we had ended. I confronted her when she got home later. She didn't feel true remorse. I recall an incident about a year earlier when she told me she had accidently kissed Liam. She was so scared that we would end. She cried and struggled for a few days but I believed her when she said it was an accident. This time, she wasn't really sorry. She had accepted that it was the end.

Though we didn't end it right there. We both decided to go back to Boise and think about this.

Marlaina Kamikaze - The Zolas
The Great Collapse - The Zolas
Coney Island - Good Old War
Crystal Vases - The Last Royals
Butch - Saint Motel
Your Ex-Lover is Dead - Stars

But I couldn't. I couldn't truly imagine life without her for a while. Not until I got back to Boise and saw she had moved out. That was the worst moment of 2014, possibly my life. I cried. I cried openly. I even cried later that night when watching The Pursuit of Happyness at the plasma center. God, why did it have to be that movie. It's such a depressing movie for me, even though it has a happy ending. I didn't get to watch the end. The plasma center can be cruel in that way. Sometimes you get really into a movie and have to leave when things get interesting.

But God bless Lindsay Ladell. She kept me together when I was at my weakest. I recall this trip to Boise we took together. I had a meeting with Boise State advising and she wanted to visit some friends so we went together. I was actually happy during that trip. Even though it was only a few days after the breakup with Alecia, I was actually truly happy. One thing I remember in particular about that trip was the speed I was going. Normally on a 75mph highway, I drive around 80mph. However, I actually drove around 73mph with her in the car. I just wanted my time with her to last a few minutes longer.


It wasn't long after that when Lindsay and I found our way back to each other. Were we a couple? Well, yes I think we were. Though neither of us would truly admit it, we sure did act like a couple. It sure did hurt both of us when we ended. I think of her fondly still as a former companion. We went swimming and to fancy pizza restaurants where we tried to recreate photos of her friends. We went shopping and she tried to get me to step out of my comfort zone. We got married. I think we were a couple. However, it was a short lived relationship.

Time - The Mowgli's
Where is My Mind? - Pixies
Smoke Breathing Monsters - Desert Noises
Summer Girl - Family of the Year

Deep down I always knew I wanted to go back to Boise. I tried to convince myself that I could still go to ISU, but I really wanted to start over in Boise. Lindsay and I both knew that this would be the end of us... again, though we both didn't really admit it.

One thing I've started to wonder lately is if Lindsay let me love her because she knew how wounded I was. Though there has always been this mutual attraction between us, we both knew it would never truly work out. It makes me think of one of my favorite moments in my favorite book: I am the messenger by Markus Zusak. The main character has always been in love with one of his best friends. However she knows she can't give him the love he wants back to him. However, in one moments he goes to her house and dances with her, doesn't say anything, just dances with her for 3 minutes. In those 3 minutes she is able to let go of those fears and just love him just for that brief moment.

I like to think that was what Lindsay did for me. We both knew we couldn't give each other the love we wanted from the other, but she let me love her. It was for a brief month, and that month feels like such a long time ago, but she let me love her...

July and beyond will have to come later. Believe me my few loyal followers, I have more to write, but I also have work in about 6 hours and would like a decent amount of sleep. There is so much to say and it's a struggle to say it right but I want to try, for myself.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Oh Switzerland, You've taken away my breath now once again, You left me with a sense of compassion, for the ones who can't pick themselves up off the ground

A few months ago there was a girl. She had recently got out of a very long relationship, much like myself. She had this rule for herself that she wasn't going to get into a relationship for at least a year because she needed to figure out what she was looking for in life. She also encouraged me to do the same. To not jump into a relationship in order to figure out who I am and what I'm looking for in a companion. That's what I've been trying to do with my life lately. I really think I've learned a lot about what I want.

For example, my absolute favorite thing I want in life is someone I can talk to. With Jacquie, one night we talked for 4 hours on the phone, even though I had school the next day. With Addy, on the first night, we tossed a little foam ball back and for hours and we talked and talked and talked. With Alecia, one night we talked so late that we decided we had to pull an all-nighter. We went to our first class the next day and ended up sleeping the rest of the next day but I absolutely loved it. With Lindsay, I don't have an exact story, but even to this day, I truly feel that I can talk to her about anything. Any fear I have, any weak moment, or any sign of depression, I feel like I can talk to her and she'll help.

I truly hate silence. Silence is depressing and gets me stuck in my own head about everything wrong with my life. Like when Alecia would cry and I would try to comfort her. I never knew what to say so I just tried being there for her. However, far too late in the relationship I realized that actually made her feel worse.

I realized this about myself too. When I was about to move back to Boise and it was clear me and Lindsay were going to end, there was this one night. We said we were going to go dancing, but before we left she kept saying how I really didn't want to go. Then she didn't really say anything. She just left me in my own head and that drove me crazy.

Oh Lindsay, she might be the most important person in my life right now. There's a lot of things that I learned from her. Like in her blog posts, she's very honest about my faults. She never really says anything bad to my face but she'll be very honest on there and say whats wrong. I appreciate the honesty really. Sure, it sucks finding out you're not prince charming and perfect in every way, but I know this will make me a better person. Like this one post that said something along the lines of: He doesn't miss people until it's too late to miss people. God dammit she's right. Example time:

When I found out Alecia cheated on me, we didn't break up right away. We both went back to our respective parts of the Boise area and thought about what to do. I kept telling myself how much it would hurt. I kept telling myself you will miss her and want her back and you need to realize this before you actually break up with her and be truly ok with that. I couldn't do it though. I couldn't truly imagine how things were without her. I couldn't really do anything. I just let her decide. If she wanted to break up, we'd break up. If she didn't, we didn't. (Another thing I need to work on: not being so passive and deciding things for myself) So then we broke up and eventually I got back to our house in Pocatello and it hit me all at once. All her stuff was gone. She was gone. And it was too late to do shit about it. That night was one of the worst nights of my life. I tried talking to her, and at a couple points after the breakup, I tried to do little things to win Alecia back. It was too late. She's moved on.

With Lindsay, I miss her too. I really do. And I like to think she misses me. There's this weird mutual understanding between the two of us. She's not what Alecia was to me. I'm not what Chris was to her. Yet we're there for each other, to pick each other up when the other is feeling weak. That's truly something I'll appreciate forever. Yet I wait far too long to truly miss her for it to matter. I could maybe make a difference to miss her right away, but it's pointless for nostalgic-ly missing her to do anything to change our situation.

The weirdest thing about Lindsay though is that even though I truly believe she likes me and misses me, I don't think there's a person I've been worse to in my life. I broke up with Alecia to chase after her, and I don't think I ever realized the uncomfortable position that I put her in. Even though she liked me, she hid a lot of fears from me that I only learned about by reading her blog posts later. I then confirmed those fears by breaking up with her to get back together with Alecia. Later I started a relationship with her again, fully intending to end it when I moved back to Boise.

Lindsay, if you're reading this, and I like to imagine that sometimes you do read this, I'm sorry. I'm realizing that so much of the way I used you was selfish. There's so much I have done that's been unfair to you and you deserve so much better. I mean it when I say you are one of the most wonderful incredible human beings I've ever known. I hope that no matter what happens in our lives, we continue to be friends and you continue to make me a better person.

I guess I better apologize to everyone else too.

Alecia, it still hurts what you did, but I know that this wasn't just your fault that we ended. It's my fault too. I could of been better and we could of worked on our relationship better. Please know that I will always love you. You were there for me at my weakest. I had not been in a relationship for more than a couple months and you taught me not to be afraid of commitment. I know it's still sometimes scary to completely give yourself to another person, but you did to me. Because of you, someday I'll be able to truly give myself to another person. Thank you for that Alecia.

Addy, you were there for me no matter what, up until the point where I literally wouldn't talk to you. Even when I broke up with you and started dating other people, you wanted to be friends, and I threw that away. I'm sorry. I hope someday we can be friends again. I like to think it'll go better this time.

Jacquie, I was young and knew absolutely nothing about relationships. Yet you took a chance on a naive little nerd. You taught me so much and made me so happy. I know so little about your life now even though I think we're still friends. I hope you've found happiness now. I hope things are going well in Montana and that someday we may talk again.

So, I'm not really sure what to do now except keep learning. At the beginning I talked about another girl. Her name is Meghan. I just found out she's in a relationship now. Though something tells me this one won't last terribly long. She seems to have plans to see the world and explore and I think she wants to be single when she does. However, I could be completely wrong. She might of found the one and is happy and content in life. I'm realizing more and more that I suck at reading people so I haven't got a clue. But I hope to learn and I hope to grow. Most of all, I want to be a better person. I always want to be a better person than I was yesterday and I feel like I don't deserve the love I'm looking for until I become that better person. So it's up to me to earn that love.

Friday, August 15, 2014

We Change, More Than We Will Ever Know

It's so crazy to think about how much life has changed for me. How just a few months ago I thought I had my whole life figured out. Now? I'm back at square one. I've moved back to my home city. I'm living at home for now but should be getting a place with Sean next week. I'm single, technically but I'll get into that later. I'm still an accounting major but I'm not sure if I want to do that. I was sorta jobless for a while but I finally got a job at Walgreens thanks to Marcus (who I seriously am so grateful for). I guess I'm trying to start over with my life.

I'm really bad at thinking of proper segways but the point of this blogpost was going to be to look back at (most) of my relationships to figure out what I'm really looking for. Because out of all the things in my life, my jobs, my friends, my family, my schooling, nothing effects 22 year old Tim (and probably a lot of other 22 year olds) as much as my relationships.

Jacquie: My first girlfriend. I'm not quite sure how to say it but she affected me more than anyone else. Mostly because she was the first. She's the reason I almost always say "I love you" way to soon (because she said it to me after the first date, and I, being a confused teenager, figured this is the time to say it back), she's the reason I tend to get back with a lot of my exes, (because we broke up and got back together 6 times), and she's the reason I suck at getting over people (because we got back together so many times, I didn't accept things were over til I saw her with someone else).

I've spent a lot of time hung up on her, well after we finally, finally broke up, but I finally was ok with it being over when we stopped talking, which was about 2 years ago. It wasn't like we had some grand fight and quit talking. I can't recall anything major actually happening. It seems we just drifted apart. I like to imagine now that if she wanted to be friends again, I could be ok with being just friends, but I'm probably just lying to myself because I don't know any better.

But I think the real reason we didn't work was because she just didn't feel for me how I felt for her. I was absolutely crazy about her, but I don't think she was really that crazy about me. She liked me, she really did, but I don't think she really loved me.

Addy: Out of all the girls in my life, I probably feel worst about how things went and ended with Addy. She was sweet. She was funny. And most of all, I think she really really loved me, but if there's something I truly know about love it's this: Distance kills relationships. It murders it. It will take love and twist it into a deranged sad shell of its former self. We only lived 3 hours apart, but we were high school kids. We had no means to constantly visit each other. Just when we could convince our parents to meet up.

When our senior year was coming to a close we discussed a possibility of both of us attending BSU in the fall and trying to make a real relationship work, but she really wanted to go to C of I, and I wanted to go to ISU. I think about this decision every now and then and honestly, I'm glad we went to our respective schools. I hate to say it, but I don't think we would of worked and we would of eventually resented each other for attending a school we didn't want to go to (ironic because now I'm going to BSU) and our relationship would of ended poorly.

Well, that's not to say our relationship didn't end poorly. It did. Not because of her (Well, maybe a little because of her, but mostly because of me and Alecia). She really wanted to be friends after we broke up (oh, and we broke up because I hated distance and I didn't want to do it anymore), and I tried to be friends for a long time. Then she started seeing someone else, and I realized I wasn't over her really (Jacquie shining through me again). However, I did get over her after that, at least I think I did, but then I started dating Alecia and she felt like I wasn't over Addy, mostly because of the night I found out Addy moved on and I cried into Alecia's shoulder (Well before me and Alecia started dating though). After that, she really didn't trust that we were just friends. Then there was the time Addy got drunk and sent me a long facebook message. Alecia hated that. It's not like Alecia told me to stop talking to her, but when I stopped messaging Addy, Alecia and I got along much better. So I just stopped replying to her messages. Eventually, she stopped trying to talk to me. She eventually defriended me on Facebook and she's moving on with her life.

Honestly, and I feel terrible saying this, but the reason we never worked out was because I didn't really love her. When we dated I was still super hung up on Jacquie. I even dumped her once because I had a chance with Jacquie, but eventually we got back together. She really is a fantastic person and I stop by her facebook page every once in a while to see how she's doing. I do wish her the best because I think she'll have a great life.

Alecia: Oh Alecia. I'm not truly ready to go in depth about this relationship, but I will say a few things. I've been looking back, and realizing how things had been going poorly well before they ended. I've been trying to focus on not only what went wrong between us, but also, what am I really looking for in a wife, and how I can be a good boyfriend and husband. I know I did a lot of things wrong now and I'm going to try to be a better person because of it.

Lindsay: While Jacquie affected how I handle relationships and breakups, I think Lindsay may have affected my personality more than anyone else in my life. She's the reason I listen to much more underground music. She's the reason I'm a much weirder person than I was as a teenager. She's the reason I skip and dance so much in public. I don't think I ever told her this but the reason I skipped all the time at Convergys was because of her. I was never that kind of person before. I was just so happy around her, it made me want to skip and dance and be happier. Now, I dance and skip all the time. In my car, at work, even just walking around. I skip and dance my heart out, even though I'm bad at it. I don't care. I'm just happy.

So why didn't we work out? Well, I loved her and I think she loved me. She's an incredible and wonderful person that I like to imagine I would of enjoyed spending the rest of my life with, but the truth is that we never would of actually worked. I was still hung up on Alecia both times we dated (Jacquie shining though me again), and I think she was still hung up on Chris both times too. But even more than that, there was the one glaring thing that was always between us, religion. She was LDS and I wasn't. She was very devoted in her faith and I was never going to truly believe in it. I thought about faking it for her but she didn't really want that. She wants someone who truly believes in that. And  I hope she finds him. Also, now that I've moved to Boise, we have 3 and a half hours between us. Once again, distance absolutely murders relationships. I could of stayed in Pocatello but right now there are too many painful memories there. Too many things there reminds me of Aleica.

Weirdly enough though, she's the one ex who I would say is actually my friend. It's still a little awkward between us but I'm really glad she's my friend. She's an amazing person. The other weird thing with her is that although we had a fling two years ago, and a fling a couple months ago, we never actually truly were in a relationship. The first time I think it was because she wasn't comfortable dating me for awhile and I ended it before she could get comfortable. This last time? It was because we both knew it would end as soon as I went to Boise.

Meghan: Meghan is a very interesting case. I've had a crush on her in 8th grade. We were on the track team together back then and went on runs together, but I was 13. I barely knew how to talk to girls. I didn't have a clue how to ask them out. Then we drifted apart in high school. We didn't have any classes together and we weren't that great of friends. So we went our separate ways. Then late in senior year we started becoming friends again. She wrote her number in my yearbook and said we should go on a run together sometime. This girl doesn't know how much she saved me. Pretty soon into the summer, well after me and Addy had broken up, I was up at my cabin with my parents. I was still missing Jacquie a lot and was about to have a breakdown over her, when I realized I should try to go after Meghan again. So I texted her and said we should go for a run sometime and she said she loved to. I focused on trying to get her for a lot of the remaining summer.

However, I was 18, and I was still quite awful and asking girls out and picking up on signals. I remember 2 moments from that summer in particular. Once, Matt said he wanted to go on a double date with Kayla and me and another girl. I immediately thought to ask her. However, Matt only gave me a days notice, so I had no time to prepare. I asked her but she already had plans so I had to go with someone else. I wish it could of worked but sadly it didn't. The other moment from that summer, and I still hate myself sometimes for missing this moment, was the day she took me horseback riding. She absolutely loves horses and took me to ride her horse because I had never been horseback riding. Anyways, we were cleaning her horse and a song came on over the radio in the barn. She said, "Oh I love this song! It's a great dancing song." I nodded along and said it was a good song. It still slays me to this day that I DIDN'T TAKE HER BY THE HAND AND TRY TO DANCE WITH HER RIGHT THERE. I mean, that is romantic comedy 101 right there and I missed it. Even if you're bad at dancing she still appreciates the gesture. I was 18 still, I didn't know what I was doing.

Now? I'm 22 and much smarter about talking to women (Still stupid overall but smarter than before). We haven't really talked too much over the last 4 years but I reached out to her because I needed someone to look after Teke while I went out of town for work. She couldn't do it but we became friends again. And after a game of ultimate fell through and some ice cream. I couldn't miss out on another chance with this girl. This girl I've liked for almost a decade now. So I asked her out on a real date and she said yes. And now? Well, I really like her.

However, I'm so unsure of myself with Meghan. I think she's cool, I think she's fun, I think she's beautiful, and I really really like her. Yet, I'm not sure I am what she's looking for in life. However, for the first time since me and Alecia ended, I starting to feel more normal again. Ever since me and Alecia ended, I've been feeling... Out of place, if that makes sense. Like, when I'm with my family or my friends, I feel like I don't really belong, even though I love my family and my friends, I just feel like this should all be happening without me. Like I'm just not supposed to be there. Even with Lindsay, I didn't feel quite right, but I think that was because we both knew that the fling would end soon. But with Meghan, I feel like I fit in, like we fit together. So I really hope she likes me back.

And now I guess I try to take all that has happened to me, and all that I've done to these people, and make myself a better person for the future.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

This House

I hate this stupid house. I hate how empty it feels. I hate that everything is gone, all the stuff I thought you'd take, and all the things I forgot were yours. I hate how everything here reminds me that you're not here. I can't stand being in this house. I want to leave right fucking now and go anywhere else.

I hate that in the week you were back, it didn't really seem like you were back. You were not the same. You didn't really miss me. You didn't really want to spend time with me. You weren't really there.

I hate that whenever I think I about forgiving you, all I can see is you making out with that guy. I hate that I couldn't even look you in the face when you left for the last time. I hate that you didn't tell me. I hate that I had to find out through messages. I hate that when I confronted you about it, you didn't seem as broken up as you should be. Hell, I remember how you felt when you accidentally kissed Liam. You were terrified, and distraught. This time, you didn't seem near as bad.

I hate that the way we broke up reminds me so much of how we broke up the first time. How we left the other person alone in the house with teke. How we cheated on each other.The way you were talking to Javier reminded me so much of how I talked with Lindsay. The way you've fallen for him like I fell for her. I remember reading through some messages of yours from when I broke up with you. Specifically one where you messaged that old co worker of yours. You were in hell, kinda like I feel now. It's so fucking awful. I guess this is my poetic justice.

I hate that through all the similarities of our two break ups, there is one glaring difference. It's that I don't think you will ever truly want me back. All I can remember is that with time, you were able to get over Juston alright. And I know it won't be near as easy, but I think you'll get over me to. You'll truly be ok not being with me. I know I've never truly gotten over any girl I've dated but I can accept the rest of them not being with me, but with you... I don't think there will ever be a point I'm ok with this. I hate that if you ever wanted me back, like I wanted you back before, it'd probably be pretty easy for you to get me.

And the thing I truly hate the most. The thing that haunts me, that makes this whole essay feel pointless, that makes me feel pointless, is that....

You're right.

We probably aren't meant for each other.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Rushed out list of fresh beats from 2005

Ok, I keep wanting to post. I start writing, get distracted, and never finish. So before I even start talking about stuff, I'm going to make a list of songs I like and no matter where I stop writing, I'm posting this much at least. Making that promise to myself.

Ghosts in empty houses - Jukebox the Ghost
Half Crazy - Jukebox the Ghost
Hey Julie - Fountain of Wayne
Snails - The Format (Fun fact: Former band of Nate Ruess, lead singer of Fun)
Stay Awake - Julia Nunes
Something Salty, Something Sweet - River City Extension
The Death of You and Me - Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds
Sofa Song - The Kooks
Cigarettes in the Theatre - Two Door Cinema Club
Bicycles - The Maccabees
Shout - Donora
A Satellite, Stars and an Ocean Behind You - The Submarine
Treasure - Bruno Mars (Ok, this song is obviously very popular and me liking it doesn't say much... but it's still catchy damnit)

There. Some of my favorite songs of the last couple months. I think you should listen to them, but I'm so guy on the internet. Not your mom. I can't make you do anything.

But anyways, things have been kinda...... ummm... I don't know. Not boring Just.... simple? I guess thats right. I wake up suuuppppper early (like 3am early), move boxes and stock stuff, and I'm done before 10 am. I go home and usually take a much needed nap, and then just sit around most of the day. I'm not bored or anything. I just don't get out much. :( I should do something about that.

And don't think that I'm depressed or anything. Things are simple for me and I like simple. Nothing confusing or worrysome in my life. (Though i know complicated things will find a way in, as they usually do). So I hope the simpleness stays for a while and I can get some time to relax.


1. Stay Awake - Julia Nunes : I can't explain why this song is so damn catchy but I love it so much. Maybe I'm sympathizing with the lack of sleep thing.

2. Snails - The Format : Lyrics. I love these lyrics. And anyone who has turned on a radio in the last 2 years should know that Nate Ruess has a great voice.

3. Something Salty, Something Sweet - River City Extension : This song wins for having such an upbeat tempo.

4. A Satellite, Stars and an Ocean Behind You - The Submarines : I just found this song today. I'm positive that with a bit of time this song would of topped this list, and I think I'm going to be listening to this band a bit more in the future.

5. Bicycle - The Maccabees : Catchy. Upbeat. I think you've figured out the pattern by now.

There, pretty much finished a complete post. Happy now people who don't actually really pay attention to this?

Friday, April 26, 2013

Poorly written somewhat incoherent rambling about music from a guy who should go to bed already.

Honestly, this week has been tough for me. Stress gets pretty high around this point in the year. Anyways, I'm looking forward to blowing off some steam this weekend with some friends coming into town for some good times.

And I'm looking forward to this.

Yes I rather enjoy just writing to some people who don't know me. Well, some of you probably know me. It doesn't matter. Lets just get to what you all came here for...

I actually don't know why you're here. But I'm gonna talk about some more music. It's funny to think about how much my tastes have changed lately. I used to almost never listen to indie music. Heck, I remember those high school days of listening to Fall Out Boy and All American Rejects. Listening mostly to popular music. Speaking of FOB, I'm getting a nice hit of nostalgia with their new album. It's rather nice. But I'm going to go ahead and talk about some other songs I like though, like...

1. Camera One by Josh Joplin Group: Want to talk about nostalgia? Scrubs. Scrubs was a fantastic show. It was funny, it was touching, and damn it if it didn't have some good music. I could of made a whole playlist of music from that show. This song probably would of led all those songs. Kudos to Zach Braff for just knowing some good artist. Speaking of Zach Braff...

2. Someday by The Cary Brothers: So I was on reddit one day... or was it twitter? I was on something and I saw that Mr. Braff had started a kickstarter for a new movie he wanted to make. (Sidenote: He's raised about 1.7 million for that movie in 2 days, just from random people on the internet supporting him. Crazy) Anyways, watching his appeal to us peoples of the internet, I heard this song on it and made a note to listen to it. It's good stuff.

I guess I'm in a Zach Braff-y mood. I've even started rewatching some scrubs lately. Weird.

3. Always Where I Need to Be by The Kooks: The Kooks have been one of my favorite indie bands since I hit my indie kick. Them and The Wombats have always pretty much been my top 2. This is just a continuation of that kick. They make me happy. :)

4. Hurry Hurry by Air Traffic Controller: This song kinda reminds me of Be My Monster by Sleeper Agent. (Side Note on that song, I was right last week in that if I had waited a couple more days to post something, it would of been at the top of the list.) Anyways, this song just feels kind of weird. I don't know. I'm really bad at describing these songs. I really do think they're all good. They're all definitely worth a listening to.

5. Angels by The Xx: Ok. I had a lot trouble thinking of a way to describe this band. I looked up some stuff on them trying to figure out the right words for them when I came across the best description I could think of. Atmospheric. Make sense? No. You're probably going to hate these guys then. These guys have very moody and soulful music. If that isn't what you're into, you're aren't going to like them. Which is fine, everyone is entitled to their own style. This is a style I like.

Ok. This post isn't very good. I can acknowledge that. I'm tired. It's 3 am and I should go to bed. Yet I wanted to write. Sometimes, it's very relieving to write some stuff down. Even stuff about music that 95 percent of people don't care about. Sleep is nice too though. I'm going to do that too. But I think whoever you are, person reading this, you should go do something that'll make you happy. Even if it's as simple as lying in the grass and looking up at the clouds. Cause I think I'm going to do that. Not now. It's night. I'm going to sleep like a normal person. But maybe tomorrow. Maybe in two days. I'll take a moment to relax in a nice patch of grass.