Tuesday, May 27, 2014

This House

I hate this stupid house. I hate how empty it feels. I hate that everything is gone, all the stuff I thought you'd take, and all the things I forgot were yours. I hate how everything here reminds me that you're not here. I can't stand being in this house. I want to leave right fucking now and go anywhere else.

I hate that in the week you were back, it didn't really seem like you were back. You were not the same. You didn't really miss me. You didn't really want to spend time with me. You weren't really there.

I hate that whenever I think I about forgiving you, all I can see is you making out with that guy. I hate that I couldn't even look you in the face when you left for the last time. I hate that you didn't tell me. I hate that I had to find out through messages. I hate that when I confronted you about it, you didn't seem as broken up as you should be. Hell, I remember how you felt when you accidentally kissed Liam. You were terrified, and distraught. This time, you didn't seem near as bad.

I hate that the way we broke up reminds me so much of how we broke up the first time. How we left the other person alone in the house with teke. How we cheated on each other.The way you were talking to Javier reminded me so much of how I talked with Lindsay. The way you've fallen for him like I fell for her. I remember reading through some messages of yours from when I broke up with you. Specifically one where you messaged that old co worker of yours. You were in hell, kinda like I feel now. It's so fucking awful. I guess this is my poetic justice.

I hate that through all the similarities of our two break ups, there is one glaring difference. It's that I don't think you will ever truly want me back. All I can remember is that with time, you were able to get over Juston alright. And I know it won't be near as easy, but I think you'll get over me to. You'll truly be ok not being with me. I know I've never truly gotten over any girl I've dated but I can accept the rest of them not being with me, but with you... I don't think there will ever be a point I'm ok with this. I hate that if you ever wanted me back, like I wanted you back before, it'd probably be pretty easy for you to get me.

And the thing I truly hate the most. The thing that haunts me, that makes this whole essay feel pointless, that makes me feel pointless, is that....

You're right.

We probably aren't meant for each other.